really long and important....

so i have finally decided something.

I´m through with HIM. Im through with not knowing. I´m through with looking only at one guy who either doesnt care like i do, or cant get enough courage or SOMETHING to just talk to me straight up. and im tired of going crazy when hes around and feeling like i cant be myself cuz i dont wanna be stupid around him. anyways, heres how i came to these conclusions...

So, for like three weeks ive been going crazy, like ::what does he think, why isnt he talking::: blah blah. It was seriously taking a toll on me, not just emotionally, but physically, along with everything else going on.

well just when i thought i would burst on go insane, he left for brazil. and when he left, i said to god ::take this from me, or confirm it in this time. I cant do this anymore.::: so then i just waited for God to speak.

well at the same time as all this, one guy came back to the base who was like my best friend in my school. And me and him always talk adn chill, even though he speaks like no english and my spanish is crap. lol- but thats how we became friends in the first place. so yah, me and him would keep talking and stuff and its awesome.

well one night, like two days ago,i was chilling with my other friends and just talking and stuff, and all of a sudden they bring my friend through the gate on a board, because he had hurt his knee really bad, like tore something or something::: it was bad.

and he was like basically wanting to cry cuz it hurt so bad, but there were all these people and stuff, and he wanted everyone to leave but me, and was like leaning against me adn stuff. and i realized how much he means to me. and no not like he was gonna die or anything, but when someone you care about is hurting and you see it, you realize how much they mean to you, ya know...

and no, im not like ::::ohhh, im in love with him::::: but i went to bed that night thinking.

how can i say im in love with someone i hardly know anymore?
how can i be in love with someone i cant be myself around and who cant be real with me?
How can i be in love with someone who i cant just sit and be with, and laugh with?
how can i be in love with someone who i cant read their thoughts and who cant read mine?

and not to say HE doesnt like me and that its been his intention to do all this- i have no idea what hes thinking. adn thats the point, I DONT KNOW WHAT HES THINKING. because we started out as friends and maybe had things gone different, and maybe had we been a lot more transparent with each other adn our leaders, things would be different now...

and i realized that my friend who hurt himself is my friend no matter what and we have that foundation. so if anything else ever happens (which i honestly doubt, cuz hes in love with a girl from germany...) we are friends, and it hasnt been all confused by crap.

so i realized something...
im done. im done. im done.

and i have learned so much through this experience with HIM: Love is unconditional and its a choice. Surrender is different from renouncing. so many other things.

and also, next time or when someone wants to be with me im not gonna let there be the gray crazy haziness of unclarity. and im not gonna let myself fall for someone like i was for him, unless they say to me straight up ::im inlove with you and i want to be with you::: before they talk to leaders, before they simply quit talking, before they hint and in some ways -intentional or no- lead me on.

No, its gonna be straight up and clear. cuz im tired of my heart suffering and tired of the pain it brings.

NO MAS!

btw-

IM MARRYING AN ARGENTINE. and by the looks of things probably one with an eyebrow ring... lol. who´da thunk it?!?!