im having a hankering to do something creative...

i miss when i'd block out a whole hour or two to paint something, or when i sat down to write and wrote for hours on end...

i miss when i felt like i had the time to do that, and that was the only way i wanted to spend my time.

i feel like ive been going and going so much and so fast that the time to relax has gotten completley shoved aside and ive almost forgotten how to rest. how to let the stuff that just builds and builds out and all those crazy sarah thoughts that never get out and told to anybody come out in their own way.

i miss myself four years ago. sometimes i think back on the innocence that you can only have once in your life, and wonder when exactly i lost it. and i miss the passion and the way things were so easy, and it was so easy to believe everything that i had grown up with, and to ignore the realites that came later. the realites that seemed to take everything away and made me doubt it all. and when the doubt came, thats when i lost it. because i went from simply faith and belief to ::i have to see it, let me feel it, then ill trust you::

and maybe a certain amount of it is ::normal:: and ::part of growing up:: but that doesnt satisfy. it doesnt answer my questions and my whys. it doesnt give me peace to know that im just another stat about the ill effects of society on youth.

the more i look into myself, the more i realize ive needed this time to be alone. too bad im super scared to go any deeper into my own heart. the deeper i go, the more i realize that there a lot of hard things that i will haev to deal with and theres so many things i want to change.

sometimes i get so tired of doing things on my own strength. (yes- i should know the answer is obvious....) but i want to go to sleep and wake up changed. wake up and have all my battles fought, and all my issues packaged neatly away how they should be.

but its a long and challenging process. and frankly, im scared shitless to even start. im so scared of failing, or fucking myself up more. or im scared that ill make this promise to change, but the first time it gets challenged, ill run away and go back on myself and god and everyone who i told that i was gonna change.

but id rather choose this than live in a bubble where life is easy and i can conviently ignore my issues, by pretending its all ok. cuz its really not.

but im gonna make it. and tommorrow is another day to start over and take the small steps that add to a big change.