copeland is so amazing. i think i had forgotten.

Oh she'd lie on her bed
And stare into harsh white light.
And think that her heart's not right.

'Cause love took her hand like a thief,
took her heart like a robber
and the feelings that scare her
become her relief.

Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want.
Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want.

In a flash a heart is slain.
You have to ask in all this pain
Was your heart too soft?
Was your love in vain?

Was your kiss too weak?
Were your eyes too tight?
And much too young to be in love.
Much too young to be in love.

Just let me run where I want to run.
Just let me love who I want.
Just let me run where I want to run.
Just let me love who I want.
Just let me run where I want to run.
Just let me love who I want.

There are no rules for this love.
Just keep your head and don't give up.
Like all the fools who play it smart.
Lose your head just for your heart
Just for your heart...


dunno why, but for some reason tonight is a thinking night. totally pulled one of the sarah and nikkis- hyper as hell to pensive and emo in like 2 minutes. and copeland fits that.

ive been sitting here thinking about the past 5 months and how far ive come. and the things that have happened and how low i feel i got.

im tired of it. ready to be done with the stupid boys, the stupid lies to cover up the mess ups. the stupid parties which are the only source of entertainment.

and i sit here and wonder if its all worth it. if its all where i wanna go. and i realize that its the last thing i want to do with the life ive been given.

i realized i took love for granted and i never realized how precious it really was and is. i chose the easy road and the easy road destroyed something id dreamed of for years. one moment, one three letter word that opened a door that has left me wondering who the hell id become.

crazy how the one thing we swear never to become seems to constantly argue to be our destiny. and i quit fighting. quit trying to rise above. let my anger and bitterness and ::messed up childhood:: to justify the crazy, emotionless, and completely lost girl id become.

i want to be found. i want to be loved despite the seeming wreckage around me. i need to be reminded that there is more to life. and that i was meant to be something unique, called and set apart.

and that may look different than the people around me and may not be ::orthodox:: but we all have our way. and i know that the road ive walked the past semester will in the end bring me to that.

and i have seen some light and i know leanred a few things about myself that i never knew and didnt believe when i was told. that im a control freak. that its the hardest thing for me to let myself be loved.

but im making progress. slowly. just dont leave me.

changing plans!

So as you all know, im moving back to the west side. originally i was moving back to my grandparents, but this weekend i got a really awesome oppurtunity to not live with my grandparents. i know that sounds mean, but there are a lot of issues that would come up if i moved in to my grandparents.

SO i will be living with Chad and Kirsten Anderson, either in Sumner or Enumclaw (i know- the boonies, but all you quit your whining cuz its hella closer than pullman!!!)

anyways, just hoguht id let you all know!
xosss

confessions and vulnerability

im sorry.

because i have fucked up royally. i have done stuff that i said i never would. i have crossed so many lines that would shock a lot of people who know and knew me.

i know the things i am doing are scaring a lot of people. they are hurting a lot of people. and i wish with all my heart o could be an island, so my stupid mistakes dont effect anyone else.

all i can say, in a desperate attempt to communicate my heart and somehow make things hurt less, if that is possible, is that im lost. sometimes life throws things at you and you dont know what hit you, but when the dust settles, everything you believed is in the air, and youre left confused and scrambling to get some sort of balance and fairness back. you lose the distinction between an individuals fuck ups and the truth of a whole group of people.

and i have done my share of labeling and judging and hating in all this. im walking a thin line between rebellion and a genuine desire to understand. and i know that many people would say that there are other ways to understand than the way i am choosing, but for me this seems to be the surest way to truly sorting out this crazy confusing inconsistency that is staring me in the face.

so please understand, im not trying to hurt you. im not trying to make you worry. and i know my fuck ups. please dont waste your breath telling me the things im doing wrong, because i already know them all way better than any other person ever could. and dont tell me that i need to get back to jesus or need to find a church, or need to do this and that, becuase i know all that.

all i need to hear is that you will still love me. no matter what i do. no matter where i walk. that it never changes who i am and who i was created to be. because if the god i believe in with my whole heart is who he is, then that is the truth. and thats whats tattoed on me- that no matter where we come from and what we walk through, we are all created for something amazing that has been laid out since the beginning of time.

but im in a process. a long hard and at times scary process. im not perfect, and it isnt an overnight fix. but im walking it, and trying not to run, contrary to popular belief. trying is the key word. if i need anything right now, its grace. because i have none for myself. i can justify and reason, but i cant let myself forgive myself for screwing up. and then i have made the decision to keep going that direction so i never have to let myself forgive myself. thats what has made change and is making change so slow. im so scared to just fuck up again, cuz i know i will. im weak, and im a thrill seeking independent stubborn girl that doesnt listen.

so please, i just need your love. and need to know you care. no matter what. and i need you to mean it with your whole heart.

xosss

Journal entry- March 20th 2007

Frustration and confusion surround my poor heart. Stuck between the place where one road becomes 2 and going in circles trying to find my way.

Why cant there be a middle? Why can't i go both ways? Somewhere is there a road that satisfies all? the passion and the conscious? the temporal and the eternal?

But my search has left me with nothing thus far. Only scrawled notes on scraps of paper torn from the vast volumes of humanities biographies. Its hard to write your own with teh pieces flying at you and the daily walk distracting you.

If only i could set my feet to walk the rest of me submissively following. Then maybe i could find the road made for me. But i cant because i am multi dimensional. level upon level struggling to be on top. the ones not fighting for superiority , laps into a desperate attempt at secrecy. like a stripped girl trying to hide herself with little success.

So here i am, naked and alone at the crossroads. the signs are worn away from the constant repetition and searching of others.

if only i could find my way. a path of my own making leading to the glorious destination i long for.

when you dont know where to go next.

i guess my life is summed up by one little three letter word: WHY?

i hate where im at right now. i hate the conviction of knowing all the "right" answers, but having this crazy stupid impulse to find out for myself. to find out the why's of life.

and im seeing all the reasons and i know that im in a bad place, and i know that ill never get out of it til i take my life and say ::im done trying myself. take it all:: and then i make the decisions i need to. say goodbye to people. let things go. chose to grow up.

and i hope that maybe another move will do that. maybe this time will be different.

and i always hope that a new town, new place will ::fix:: me, and it never does. but i always hope.

and i wish i could just listen to people. but i dont. people tell me what i need to do and what i should do and where i should be, and im tired of it. and yet, i get lost on my own.

sometimes i wonder why people still love me. the people who stick around me. for some odd reason they do their best for me, then i say :;thats great, but im gonna do my own thing.::: and time after time, i end up coming back saying ::you were right! why am i such an idiot sometimes!?:::

so... siiiggghhhhh.

shes learning. slowly and the hard way. but ill get there.

and just to let you all know- i will be moving back to tacoma. for at least a year. college isnt working out for me. plus i am not 100% sure what i wanna do, so why spend 7000 dollars a semester to goof around and not go to class??

so im gonna go to Redken Professional salon Academy. cuz thats the one thing that has NEVER changed. :P and ill be living with the grandparents again which will be both good and hard all at the same time.

so ill be back around the first week in may.

and life will go on and change once more.

xosss

why??

why do i end up finding these guys who have fucked up lives, but they have so much potential?

why do i find guys that need me more than i need them?

why do i always find myself hoping i can change them?

why do i seem to be the only one to see the good side?

why do i fall hook, line, and sinker for excuses cuz im so desperate to be loved and so desperate to see them fixed?

who am i to hope to fix anyone? my own life is so messed up its not even funny.

bleh. i hate drama. i hate boys. grrrr. they are so overrated!

i hate boys.

and crushes.

especially when its on some guy that lives 6 hours away and has a gf.

its was supposed to be a one time thing. it was supposed to be a ::hi.:: and walk away thing.

but its not. and it wasnt. cuz we both fell hard.

now its emotional and its on both sides. he called me crying cuz he didnt want me to leave.

and ive said ::dont even go there til your single.::: but that doesnt make things much easier for either of us.

why cant i just make the right decisions? stay away from the silly boys. why does the whole ::not safe:: thing suck me in everytime? (btw- not safe means addicting, slightly dangerous in a crazy ballsy sorta way, its careless and risky. their eyes have that edge thats just captivating.)

now im trippin. but i cant let myself cuz im in a situation that is not good. you dont mess with taken people, cuz thats drama. but i got myself in and only time will get me out.

sigh.