confessions and vulnerability

im sorry.

because i have fucked up royally. i have done stuff that i said i never would. i have crossed so many lines that would shock a lot of people who know and knew me.

i know the things i am doing are scaring a lot of people. they are hurting a lot of people. and i wish with all my heart o could be an island, so my stupid mistakes dont effect anyone else.

all i can say, in a desperate attempt to communicate my heart and somehow make things hurt less, if that is possible, is that im lost. sometimes life throws things at you and you dont know what hit you, but when the dust settles, everything you believed is in the air, and youre left confused and scrambling to get some sort of balance and fairness back. you lose the distinction between an individuals fuck ups and the truth of a whole group of people.

and i have done my share of labeling and judging and hating in all this. im walking a thin line between rebellion and a genuine desire to understand. and i know that many people would say that there are other ways to understand than the way i am choosing, but for me this seems to be the surest way to truly sorting out this crazy confusing inconsistency that is staring me in the face.

so please understand, im not trying to hurt you. im not trying to make you worry. and i know my fuck ups. please dont waste your breath telling me the things im doing wrong, because i already know them all way better than any other person ever could. and dont tell me that i need to get back to jesus or need to find a church, or need to do this and that, becuase i know all that.

all i need to hear is that you will still love me. no matter what i do. no matter where i walk. that it never changes who i am and who i was created to be. because if the god i believe in with my whole heart is who he is, then that is the truth. and thats whats tattoed on me- that no matter where we come from and what we walk through, we are all created for something amazing that has been laid out since the beginning of time.

but im in a process. a long hard and at times scary process. im not perfect, and it isnt an overnight fix. but im walking it, and trying not to run, contrary to popular belief. trying is the key word. if i need anything right now, its grace. because i have none for myself. i can justify and reason, but i cant let myself forgive myself for screwing up. and then i have made the decision to keep going that direction so i never have to let myself forgive myself. thats what has made change and is making change so slow. im so scared to just fuck up again, cuz i know i will. im weak, and im a thrill seeking independent stubborn girl that doesnt listen.

so please, i just need your love. and need to know you care. no matter what. and i need you to mean it with your whole heart.

xosss