Im not going to do it anymore....

I have decided something, and I am realzing that this is going to be a hard thing for me to do on my own, but i know god is going to help me.

Im tired of living double standards. Im tired of going through these struggles with smoking adn driking and this and that because i have never actually set the boundaries. Im ready to set new boundaries for my life, because i want to grow and i dont want to keep doing these things that i know are hurting me...

my grandma once told me that i have this dream to be with this amazing guy, who doesnt drink, who doesnt party, who doesnt smoke, who is in shape, who is loving and confident, and has pure relationships with girls, but is still cool adn fun, blah blah. and you know what?

Am i the kind of girl a guy like that would want to be with?

and i have to say, no.

its true, im a lot better than i was last year. but i could go farther.

Smoking is not an option. I know, for one, i have a genetic tendency to get addicted to it since my birth mom smoked hard core all my life.So WHY THe HECK DO I PLAY AROUND WITH IT? funny, i told my dad i was worried about his drinking, well, i can tbe a hypocrite, and say ::dont drink:: when i would smoke in a second if the opprtunity arose. And im not going to do it anymore.

Also, drinking. I have no desire to get drunk. I mean, i do, but why??to be rebellious, to be crazy, to experience something. No. Do i want to see the guy i love drunk at a party making a total fool of himself? No. Do i want to even open the dorr to the possibility of addiction and alcholoism? no. Thats notto say im never gonna drink, cuz i will. but i do not want to ever go out and purposely get drunk. Its not an issue to play around with. And i dont want to anymore.

So i am going to make an apology to em and nik, im sorry for encouraging you in all that. Im sorry for taking all this as a game. cuz its not and i dont want to live like a child and make it a game.

also my relationships with guys. i realized, i cant be all boy crazy anymore, because it gives mixed messages and isnt :::walking in teh light i have been given:::: And im not guarding my own heart. and if theres one thing that i am so tired of, its the whole thing of tearing up my own heart by my own actions. and im not going to anymore. No more late nights alone with guys, no more long phone calls, no more flirting. I dont want to do it anymore, cuz its not the kind of guy i want to be with. And i want to be a girl that someone fights for, not a girl that throws herself on everyone.

so....

today is a new day. and you knowwhat?

Im a new sarah. Cuz im choosing not to go back.