i have got to change something...

before its too late.
First of all, i have to quit smoking. Yes, i smoke. Im going to stop making excuses as to why its ok. I just need to stop. I realized today that here i am, working in a gym, telling all these women to be healthy, to work out, to eat right. and yet, i cant even do it. how can i expect some 250 pound women, 45 years old and widowed, nicotine addict that she can get her life on the right track, if im a 20 year old, healthy girl with a *normal* life and cant even do it myself?
i need to go back to the stuff i learned in argentina- its not about me and how i *feel* its about whats right and living that out.
but as soon as all the **whoo hoo! Sarahs gonna quit smoking and sarahs gonna get back into whats important** i freak out and realize that in some ways, i dont want it. Because it means fight and struggle, and im so hella tired of the fight adn struggle. i feel like ive spent my entire life fighting against something- mostly myself..
and im so tired.
but i know i cant give up, cuz then all the fighting in teh past will turn into nothing and it will all be meaningless...
sometimes life leaves you with one thing to say...
::Fuck::
yes, i know its strong, but thats exactly how i feel...like one big giant fuck up, who has to pick herself up off her ass and start all over.
so i guess i just need you to pray for me. pray real hard too...