Journal entry- March 20th 2007

Frustration and confusion surround my poor heart. Stuck between the place where one road becomes 2 and going in circles trying to find my way.

Why cant there be a middle? Why can't i go both ways? Somewhere is there a road that satisfies all? the passion and the conscious? the temporal and the eternal?

But my search has left me with nothing thus far. Only scrawled notes on scraps of paper torn from the vast volumes of humanities biographies. Its hard to write your own with teh pieces flying at you and the daily walk distracting you.

If only i could set my feet to walk the rest of me submissively following. Then maybe i could find the road made for me. But i cant because i am multi dimensional. level upon level struggling to be on top. the ones not fighting for superiority , laps into a desperate attempt at secrecy. like a stripped girl trying to hide herself with little success.

So here i am, naked and alone at the crossroads. the signs are worn away from the constant repetition and searching of others.

if only i could find my way. a path of my own making leading to the glorious destination i long for.

when you dont know where to go next.

i guess my life is summed up by one little three letter word: WHY?

i hate where im at right now. i hate the conviction of knowing all the "right" answers, but having this crazy stupid impulse to find out for myself. to find out the why's of life.

and im seeing all the reasons and i know that im in a bad place, and i know that ill never get out of it til i take my life and say ::im done trying myself. take it all:: and then i make the decisions i need to. say goodbye to people. let things go. chose to grow up.

and i hope that maybe another move will do that. maybe this time will be different.

and i always hope that a new town, new place will ::fix:: me, and it never does. but i always hope.

and i wish i could just listen to people. but i dont. people tell me what i need to do and what i should do and where i should be, and im tired of it. and yet, i get lost on my own.

sometimes i wonder why people still love me. the people who stick around me. for some odd reason they do their best for me, then i say :;thats great, but im gonna do my own thing.::: and time after time, i end up coming back saying ::you were right! why am i such an idiot sometimes!?:::

so... siiiggghhhhh.

shes learning. slowly and the hard way. but ill get there.

and just to let you all know- i will be moving back to tacoma. for at least a year. college isnt working out for me. plus i am not 100% sure what i wanna do, so why spend 7000 dollars a semester to goof around and not go to class??

so im gonna go to Redken Professional salon Academy. cuz thats the one thing that has NEVER changed. :P and ill be living with the grandparents again which will be both good and hard all at the same time.

so ill be back around the first week in may.

and life will go on and change once more.

xosss

why??

why do i end up finding these guys who have fucked up lives, but they have so much potential?

why do i find guys that need me more than i need them?

why do i always find myself hoping i can change them?

why do i seem to be the only one to see the good side?

why do i fall hook, line, and sinker for excuses cuz im so desperate to be loved and so desperate to see them fixed?

who am i to hope to fix anyone? my own life is so messed up its not even funny.

bleh. i hate drama. i hate boys. grrrr. they are so overrated!

i hate boys.

and crushes.

especially when its on some guy that lives 6 hours away and has a gf.

its was supposed to be a one time thing. it was supposed to be a ::hi.:: and walk away thing.

but its not. and it wasnt. cuz we both fell hard.

now its emotional and its on both sides. he called me crying cuz he didnt want me to leave.

and ive said ::dont even go there til your single.::: but that doesnt make things much easier for either of us.

why cant i just make the right decisions? stay away from the silly boys. why does the whole ::not safe:: thing suck me in everytime? (btw- not safe means addicting, slightly dangerous in a crazy ballsy sorta way, its careless and risky. their eyes have that edge thats just captivating.)

now im trippin. but i cant let myself cuz im in a situation that is not good. you dont mess with taken people, cuz thats drama. but i got myself in and only time will get me out.

sigh.

amazing weekends....

are what gets me through. even tho its been a long weekend.

first i got PAID! yay- always makes the world a better place.

then had an amazing car ride with kim. she likes to talk aboit very... interesting things. it was great.

then i got to tacoma and got a ZIPPO!!! with jack daniels on the front... its so hott!

and saw a movie with all my boys, which was super fun.

the next day i chilled with my nikki. damn i miss that girl!!!!!

and my aunt. she is amazing. plus i got to have a cigarette in my favorite chair.

then alex. we went to the yatch club and CANTERBERRY (lol- canter wood actually...) at 3 am. i was all jacked up on 9's and RED BULL!

then i had breakfast with the grands and saw my friend in vancouver. which was fun. :P

then i went to the aunt and uncles. and i fell asleep during lock stock and 2 smoking barrells. and don laughed at me.

the next day i slept in. YAY! and went to the beach with dan and 2 of his friends. it was hella fun.

minus the fact that we went through all the places i used to live when my life sucked- astoria, longview, svenson- crazy white trash places... that was kinda hard.

and we played sex in the car (where you have to hit the ceiling when an oncoming car has a headlight out, and the last person has to take off an article of clothing....) yah....about that... noah really lost, and i was definitely second loser- people look at you funny when you are down to jeans and a bra... AWKWARD! and noah tried to steal my zippo- so i bit him and made a big ass mark through a sweatshirt.

and i rode on the top of dans car on the beach. it was hella fun!

then a lot of shit hit the fan that i dont want to talk about here lol, but it was ok, cuz it worked itself out today. so that was good.

and i called dan again cuz i was so freaked out and couldnt sleep, so we went to the river and got police escorted to sharis in hood river. and i got ranch dressing all over my face- it was gross! and maxed out the credit card.... yyyyeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.... :S

by the time we got to my aunts it was like 4 am and my buddy was shot, so he slept at their house and snored all night long! the best part was he kept saying he wasnt gonna stay so he left his shoes and jacket on, but passed out. and i couldnt get him up in the morning. OH and got woken up at 7 30 am by a text from jonathan. dont ever text me that early, cuz i will come at you like a spider monkey!

then he left and i went to the grandmas and drove home- very uneventfully- thank god. blew another speaker in my car. yay for crappy music.

now im gonna go to sleep and sleep til whenever the hell i want in the morning!

plus spend this next weekend with my mommy... yay.

i wish i could do this all the time... :P