i just wrote a huge blog, and have more to say...

So i was thinking about &*%$@ and thinking about it all... and i realized something that makes me so freaking frustrated with myself... I still like him. a lot. and in someways, if he were to come to me again, i think i would maybe say yes.

i want whoever it is to be my best friend.
I want someone who will take me and challenge me, and protect me. I want a guy who isnt loooking for a make out buddy, but who will be perfectly happy to wrap his arms around me adn just hold me super tight. someone who wont try to make a move on me after i say No. Someone who will tell me straight up :: his is how i feel about you. this is what i want:: Someoine who will be a leader in the relastionship and be the one who draws the lines. Someone who isnt afraid to fight with me and to ask me the hard questions and who will ask me to open my heart. someone who wont make assumtions based on only what i say, cuz half the time, it takes me a while to get to how a truly feel. But someone who isnt afraid to take the time to do that. Someone who knows me. and loves me for who i am, not what i do.

I want the classic sweep me off my feet thing. i want a guy who will come to me and will do everyting eh can to win me. who will want to be with me so much that he risks it all, ya know? And i am not going to let myself make this mistake again. the mistake of being in a sense, easy. of falling crazy in love with just anybody.

I will not be boy crazy anymore.

but you know what sux most... he wasnt just anybody. he was my best friend. I spent a lot of time praying about it and i made myslef think rationally and think through things, and he was what i wanted in so many areas. but..... somewhere it all got fucked up. (excuse the language....) and now... :::Sigh::: hes gone.

blah. I know HES out there. and i know that soon, hell be here. but you know me, patience isnt a virtue i have on the Strengths list. plus i dont think theres this NUMBER ONE AND ONLY, and so someday, someday someone else will come and it will be amazing...

but all i can say is that it sucked and right now, i dont ever want to be in love again, if it menas it hurts like this....

anyways, more ramblings...

i really should write a book... lol

xo

And nows the part i eat my words...

so yah... exactly what i feel now.

so i thought it had changed, ya know? I thought its waaaaayyy overa dn that i had moved on, but i realized somehting in all my thinking and crazybrain.

at this point, my best friend is simply that I cant see myself with him forever

but the other one, i think i can.... no, i know i can. ive spent 8 months thinking about this question.

and then i reaized somehting. maybe i was the one who did all this and maybe he wasnt the jerk id like to think he was... since im always assuming the worst about the people i care about most. stupid me.

basically around here, they do things weird and you dont know anythings going on until... well after they go adn talk to your leader who talks to you. basically, they dont come to you.

then i realized that my leader had actually come to me and talked to me about all this. and in that day, in that week, i was horrible. so i said i couldnt handle it. and i said ... yah, that i didnt want it.

Stupid me!

why do i do things like that?

and now i bet i ruined everything and he probably thinks i hate him. thats when you say simply one phrase...

shit happens.

and one other one...

STUPID ME!