Number one: Why I want to get a horse as my second tat
Well, first of all, theres a Natasha Beddingfield song called wild horses. and the song talks about wanting to be free like the horses, to step out of everything that holds us back from who we are wanting to be. And thats totally me... plus, i love horses, to death, no joke. Its an addiction, no matter how seldom satisfied. Horses remind me of freedom, freedom from everything and complete surrender to the open air and wide skies.
Number two: Who am I becoming and who do i want to become?
and thats a painful question. because tonight i was chilling and started talking about my past and somewhere deep down, i was choking back the pain. and i realized theres still a lot there and its time to undo another layer. and i heard the bitterness in my voice when i talked about pscc and church and thats NOT who i want to be. Of all things i dont want to be bitter, but its so hard, cuz it still really hurts.... And i also was talking about who i was- like last summer and before, and realized i never want to go back. i want to become better, stronger, more healed, more effective, more passionate in my beliefs. More free...
i can tell this beach experience on sunday will find me taking a long walk alone...
Number three: Past relationships and my own frailty
And its not that im mad at anyone. it wasnt their fault that i was so hurt. but i realize that i have become so gun-shy. I realized i am truly not as hard as i once thought i was. And i dont want to be anymore. I dont wanna joke around anymore about any of it, in some ways it hurts and isnt funny anymore. At one point i loved having the fun of joking with a guy and loved flirting and knowing that (or at least thinking) my heart was miles from getting hurt and that it was just fun. And in some ways i did have my heart miles away, cuz i never let whoever it was get too close to who i truly was, I ran away. Then there was this one time when i actualyl wanted to be known and come out of my little castle, but i couldnt. Something held me back, and i stayed hidden, which was probably a factor cntributing to why it didnt work out.
and now, i am realizing that i dont want to do that again. I dont want to hide anymore. But im scared to even let anyone close at the same time. Does that make sense? I guess when it all comes down to it, ill have to find that place of safety and vulnerability, where i dont have to be strong anymore. Will that actualyl ever happen? I mean i look at myself and wonder ::::is there anyone who would actually chose me, and chose to walk through all this with me? Who would never leave no matter what i did or how hard i pushed away? SOmeone who would see past all that and love me through it all..:::: and i wonder.....
theres more going through my head but its time for bed... ill keep it all in here and wait to let it all out again...
Well, first of all, theres a Natasha Beddingfield song called wild horses. and the song talks about wanting to be free like the horses, to step out of everything that holds us back from who we are wanting to be. And thats totally me... plus, i love horses, to death, no joke. Its an addiction, no matter how seldom satisfied. Horses remind me of freedom, freedom from everything and complete surrender to the open air and wide skies.
Number two: Who am I becoming and who do i want to become?
and thats a painful question. because tonight i was chilling and started talking about my past and somewhere deep down, i was choking back the pain. and i realized theres still a lot there and its time to undo another layer. and i heard the bitterness in my voice when i talked about pscc and church and thats NOT who i want to be. Of all things i dont want to be bitter, but its so hard, cuz it still really hurts.... And i also was talking about who i was- like last summer and before, and realized i never want to go back. i want to become better, stronger, more healed, more effective, more passionate in my beliefs. More free...
i can tell this beach experience on sunday will find me taking a long walk alone...
Number three: Past relationships and my own frailty
And its not that im mad at anyone. it wasnt their fault that i was so hurt. but i realize that i have become so gun-shy. I realized i am truly not as hard as i once thought i was. And i dont want to be anymore. I dont wanna joke around anymore about any of it, in some ways it hurts and isnt funny anymore. At one point i loved having the fun of joking with a guy and loved flirting and knowing that (or at least thinking) my heart was miles from getting hurt and that it was just fun. And in some ways i did have my heart miles away, cuz i never let whoever it was get too close to who i truly was, I ran away. Then there was this one time when i actualyl wanted to be known and come out of my little castle, but i couldnt. Something held me back, and i stayed hidden, which was probably a factor cntributing to why it didnt work out.
and now, i am realizing that i dont want to do that again. I dont want to hide anymore. But im scared to even let anyone close at the same time. Does that make sense? I guess when it all comes down to it, ill have to find that place of safety and vulnerability, where i dont have to be strong anymore. Will that actualyl ever happen? I mean i look at myself and wonder ::::is there anyone who would actually chose me, and chose to walk through all this with me? Who would never leave no matter what i did or how hard i pushed away? SOmeone who would see past all that and love me through it all..:::: and i wonder.....
theres more going through my head but its time for bed... ill keep it all in here and wait to let it all out again...
posted by Sarah Stevens @ 11:43 PM
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