True confessions from a broken heart.
I dont know where to start. And let me start all this, cuz i really have no idea whats going to come out, but i need to get this out, I dont want anyone to think this is directed at them, cuz its not. its simply me facing the monster in my own heart. More like wounded tiger in a cage...
who am i?
honestly... its like god is showing me all this stuff and saying ::I created you like this...::: WHY!? i hate that i sometimes shut my self down and the only way i open up is after someone prys me open. But not very many people take the time to. And you know what? its not their loss. its mine because nobody knows me. People must see me as this moody bitch who is either crazy and funny or silent. And i justify it in my mind with ::well, i have nothing to say.::: or :::its just not something im apart of so i cant talk::: or :::that doesnt pertain to what everyone else is saying::::
It hurts so much that i feel like people only see the outside of me, simply because i dont let them in. And you know what? to push the pain of being unheard down, i push people away.
like i want to do now.
I am so disconnected from everything. I work, sleep, and chill with like a few people. I am scared shitless to get involved anywhere, scared to try and share myself with anyone and im so scared to get any closer to anyone. Because im afraid they wont care or dont want to know me. or that i will get hurt again. i basically feel like i dont trust anyone.
why am i like this? Why am i doing this?!
and i feel so helpless to stop it. I cant do it alone. But i dont know where gods at in all this cuz hes not answering. And the people who know me best, well, their moving adn the rest are on the other side of the world. And i have nikki, but i dont want to be one of those cligny needy friends. Funny, cuz im totally broken up, but i am so stubborn and independent ill die before i tell someone i need help.
No, i just take it all and do something crazy simply for an outlet. Find a guy. drink something. buy a pack of cigarettes. do something stupid that i regret. Dwell in sarcasm, competion, and independence.
i feel like im slowly suffocating, color gone, thrill gone. I am the type of person that goes crazy without change and im dying to be living something. Its like when im in one experience i think about the one before, and im always looking forward to whats next but never resting. never saying :::god, take me as i am. here. now.:::: I've always got to be better, got to push myself harder cuz im not perfect yet.
But i know this isnt who i have to be. This isnt who i am. I know that. Im not sarcastic, im not shallow, im not immature, i dont have a hard heart to people. I truly do care and truly want to be around people and i love to be with people, and yet be alone to think and process. i am capable of having deep conversations that uplift people and challenge me.
but at this moment, its lost in the stuff im using to cover something deeper.
who am i?
honestly... its like god is showing me all this stuff and saying ::I created you like this...::: WHY!? i hate that i sometimes shut my self down and the only way i open up is after someone prys me open. But not very many people take the time to. And you know what? its not their loss. its mine because nobody knows me. People must see me as this moody bitch who is either crazy and funny or silent. And i justify it in my mind with ::well, i have nothing to say.::: or :::its just not something im apart of so i cant talk::: or :::that doesnt pertain to what everyone else is saying::::
It hurts so much that i feel like people only see the outside of me, simply because i dont let them in. And you know what? to push the pain of being unheard down, i push people away.
like i want to do now.
I am so disconnected from everything. I work, sleep, and chill with like a few people. I am scared shitless to get involved anywhere, scared to try and share myself with anyone and im so scared to get any closer to anyone. Because im afraid they wont care or dont want to know me. or that i will get hurt again. i basically feel like i dont trust anyone.
why am i like this? Why am i doing this?!
and i feel so helpless to stop it. I cant do it alone. But i dont know where gods at in all this cuz hes not answering. And the people who know me best, well, their moving adn the rest are on the other side of the world. And i have nikki, but i dont want to be one of those cligny needy friends. Funny, cuz im totally broken up, but i am so stubborn and independent ill die before i tell someone i need help.
No, i just take it all and do something crazy simply for an outlet. Find a guy. drink something. buy a pack of cigarettes. do something stupid that i regret. Dwell in sarcasm, competion, and independence.
i feel like im slowly suffocating, color gone, thrill gone. I am the type of person that goes crazy without change and im dying to be living something. Its like when im in one experience i think about the one before, and im always looking forward to whats next but never resting. never saying :::god, take me as i am. here. now.:::: I've always got to be better, got to push myself harder cuz im not perfect yet.
But i know this isnt who i have to be. This isnt who i am. I know that. Im not sarcastic, im not shallow, im not immature, i dont have a hard heart to people. I truly do care and truly want to be around people and i love to be with people, and yet be alone to think and process. i am capable of having deep conversations that uplift people and challenge me.
but at this moment, its lost in the stuff im using to cover something deeper.
posted by Sarah Stevens @ 11:17 PM
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