The Restlessness returns...

Warning: I know all this may sound like stupid excuses for effing up stuff in my life, but i can't help that cuz its the truth of me right now...

Basically, i dont quite know why i do this, but when i make a plan and set it in stone, i do everything i can to sabatoge it. I get crazy and restless and then start doing stupid things- like smoking or as in teh case last year, find a fuck buddy and use them. and thats the cold ugly truth. I dont know why, and its not that i consciously plan it. in fact, part of me hates me for it...

so let me get this out for you all to know, the past three weeks have bene a huge battle, and there has been so much stress that i picked up a really bad habit. but i realized today that i have to quit now. And i know a lot of people are like ::OOOHH!!! BAD!!!:: and would proceed to tell me why its bad and that i hafta stop and blah blah. But, please dont. i know all the reasons. I beat myself with them over and over again...

i guess i do this cuz im afraid of commitment, im afraid of being tied down and not having my freedom. and even more cliche, is that i know where it started. it started when i vowed to myself i would be a fighter and never let myelf be held involuntarily. and i havent since then. I've fought my heart out everytime. and when i know i cant fight it straight up, i try to wreck it.

anyways,,, i gotta go....
xosss

It has been while...

yah, and life seems to be crazy. I guess you could say that im confused. and stressed. and slightly frustrated. yet, i think im making progress in some areas (regress in others...)

So today i was watching 10 things i hate about you and realized something.. im some ways im like Kat. Sarcastic, hard, and at times unapproachable. My hurts make me lash out at people, and even whne i give people a chance, i stay skeptical. Until they follow me around and prove they love me even when i fight to keep them at a distance.

if i could change one thing about myself it would be the hard walls around my heart.

i can let anyone up to a point, but then it gets to that place where not too many people have been and not too many people care to go. and thats the part i wish i could shout for everyone to hear. i dont like feeling like people dont know me. Who i really am.

but then again, sometimes i have to pause and ask myself...

who am i really...

phone...

call me cuz i finally have a phone....

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