i feel bad...
si i feel bad about last night. i told my friend i was coming to this thing, but when the time came, i felt sick and just didnt want to drag myslef to a new situation, with people i have a retarded history with, or who sort of know me- i guess i just crave complete annomity at this moment.
Actually- annomity isnt what i crave. its the chance to start completely over. its a chance to say ::hi, my name is sarah, and you are meeting me now- and dont have all the history and ideas of who i am adn should be.::
thats the hardest thing right now- im not purely ME, im a mixture between the sarah that i maintain around one set of people, and the sarah who doesnt live with the same rules and boundries that shes had all her life, and when im not in one of those im frustrated and pissed that im not realyl living.
really living means that everything you hold inside- the gifts and talents, and the personality that is only yours, has a chance to express itself and experience each wave of emotion, circumstance, and change.
and thats not exactly where i am right now.
on saturday, as i was smoking a cigarette this kid (sunshine is amazing....) said ::on your myspace it says you quit. so why are you still doing it?::: and i was basically lied to him, and yet lied to myself all at the same time ::umm, i put that there for my conservative friends.::: Which isnt true- because im trying to quit, honestly- (bw- havent smoked since sunday...) for a lot of reasons. But at the same time, i know to an extent it was tearing me up so much because i know that there are a lot fo people who WANT me to quit.
and i dont know why accepting that people love me and care about me feels like people telling me what to do.
and i guess that brings me to why i feel so bad about last night- she told me she wanted me there and that she thought i was supposed to be there. and i felt pressurred and so went the opposite way- and now feel like a total bitch.
man- my life feels like a crazy roller coaster full of switch backs...
but im gonna get through this. and what doesnt kill ya...
makes you stronger...
Actually- annomity isnt what i crave. its the chance to start completely over. its a chance to say ::hi, my name is sarah, and you are meeting me now- and dont have all the history and ideas of who i am adn should be.::
thats the hardest thing right now- im not purely ME, im a mixture between the sarah that i maintain around one set of people, and the sarah who doesnt live with the same rules and boundries that shes had all her life, and when im not in one of those im frustrated and pissed that im not realyl living.
really living means that everything you hold inside- the gifts and talents, and the personality that is only yours, has a chance to express itself and experience each wave of emotion, circumstance, and change.
and thats not exactly where i am right now.
on saturday, as i was smoking a cigarette this kid (sunshine is amazing....) said ::on your myspace it says you quit. so why are you still doing it?::: and i was basically lied to him, and yet lied to myself all at the same time ::umm, i put that there for my conservative friends.::: Which isnt true- because im trying to quit, honestly- (bw- havent smoked since sunday...) for a lot of reasons. But at the same time, i know to an extent it was tearing me up so much because i know that there are a lot fo people who WANT me to quit.
and i dont know why accepting that people love me and care about me feels like people telling me what to do.
and i guess that brings me to why i feel so bad about last night- she told me she wanted me there and that she thought i was supposed to be there. and i felt pressurred and so went the opposite way- and now feel like a total bitch.
man- my life feels like a crazy roller coaster full of switch backs...
but im gonna get through this. and what doesnt kill ya...
makes you stronger...
posted by Sarah Stevens @ 5:05 PM
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