This is me...

Its late and i have to get up at 5, but i just cant sleep. partly cuz i just saw the departed again (amazing- but bloody and lots of language...) and partly cuz its the quiet nights that make me think about life. Today i started thinking about everything im doing right now, adn the things that are ahead, and sometimes i just really wish i could say :::fuck it all, i just dont care!::: but then i realize that even tho its crazy stressful and i feel like im stepping out into a fog, theres something ahead of me that is unexplainably beautiful. I was talking to my room mate the other night and we were talking baout how we deal with the shit in our lives. and she was like ::you just get angry::: and im not mad at her, cuz its true. and this led me to think about my smoking. (no, i havent quit. yes i tried, but i started up again...)and i realized that yah- ive got a lot of people telling em to quit and a lot of people after me about it, and i realize that i get angry at myself when they do. and as i thought about it more, i realized my deepest hearts cry to have someone i could be completley vulnerable with, someone who i could share my struggles and they would love me through it all. and NOT to say all my friends dont do that- but its weird. im in this place of wanting to find someone who will meet me NOW and say ::sarah, i dont care what you were, i dont wanna know, i just want you to be what you can become.::: and i realize how deathly afraid of rejection i am, of not being needed by someone, of not having someone depend on me. and then i feel like a total bitch, cuz i realze there are so many people pulling for me and wanting to see me succeed. but then the presure scares me. And i realize that i am constantly getting mad at myself and beating myself up to avoid the pain i could feel if i let myself be weak. and i beat myself up cuz im scared shitless that if i dont change, ill be abandoned. im so tired of hiding myself....



And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me'
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am