S.A.D.

today i feel very blah.

stressed out. depressed. and scared to death.

and i know i can answer most of my own problems, and tell myself that i can do this and i know i can, but that doesnt make it look any scarier.

I had soemthing figured out, i knew what i wanted and i was so content with it, content to wait for it and not worry about it. but then...

what do you do when someone walks back in your life and for some reason all these things come up and then your left standing there with a box of feelings in your hands. and then, when they come in, the plans you had suddenly turn crazy and unreachable. and so you live that day adn everyone has their ideas of what you should do, some are welcomed, some are not, and some simply stress you out.

and then one day, i figured it out, and thought i got the issue back up on the shelf where i had it so neatly put before. but no... ive spent the days thinking and wondering and dreaming and wishing and telling my self that it is over and that theres something better.

and dont get me wrong- i truly do WANT it. but the questions and stuff still come up. and i know that if i give in, ill regret it forever. and i also know that ive blown this once and i the very LAST things i want is to blow it again, simply cuz im looking somewhere else.

then theres moving out... and i know that its time, and i know its what i want, and i know im gonna make it. and i know that in a few years, ill be able to look back and see that all this was worth it, but thats not really comforting in the moment. i look at other people, who have all this stuff covered- rent, phone, car, all that. and im like ::why cant i have that?:: but then i realize that this is good for me. another growing pain that means youre growing up.

i miss having no bills, nothiung holding you back. just a car and open road and when you werent faced with all these crazy life decisions and you could just take a day off and leave. when the hardest decision was who to hang out with that night.

i miss the innocence of being 15 again. when things were black and white, adn you were ok with that. the lines were clear, and they seemed like theyd be perfect forever and so easy to stay in. Prince charming would no doubt be the first one to steal your heart, the first one to kiss you, the first one. heart break would never happen to me. and if he didnt have a white horse, hed have a big bad ass white truck. and if he was far away- oh well, it would add to the fairy tale, and id be this princess that turned everyones advances down gracefully and bravely. and it would be everything but painful. and there ya go. and going to college would be super easy, classes would take work, but everyting else would be a breeze. and id have the car of my dreams, and someday id have my own little place and id walk into it, furnished, set up and ready for me to have my laughs and tears. no strings.

but actually, thats not how it all comes down. life is hard and independence is not this thrilling adventure full of pure fun that i figured. dont get me worng, it is an adventure and it has its fun parts, but its also really scary.

i miss that.

but times and seasons. things change and you cant be a baby forever.

and in my heart, i wouldnt change this for anything. but i guess i just need to be reminded ill make it today...