Why bad things happen to good people....

Wh y bad things happen to good people....

So as i drove through the wonderfully boring desert of earstern washington yesterday, i had a epifany and revelation... Theres the saying :::be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it...::: I thought through my life in the last year or 2 and thought back at the things i asked god for and the things i have learned and walked through adn that i am still walking right now. after everything that happened with pscc, i made a promise to myself and to god. i promised that i would never be a hypocrite. i told myself that i would never speak to someone about something i could not relate to, something i had not lived my self. I would never try to tell someone how to fix their lives if i had not already been there and gotten through the fire. and i thought also on the visions and goals i had for my life. where do i wanna be in 10 years? what kind of people do i want to reach out to? is my heart for the church and to minister in there? is my heart to work with the kids whove grown up in the church? no. not at all. my heasrt adn passion is to work with kids who have been abused and neglected. to work with people who will never be accepted by a church. people who the only way to point them to god is to have relationship and to live your life for all to see. maybe thats why i dont run from questions about the shit im pulling and the things im doing right now. people who will never even give the time of day to a ::perfect person::. those people. the lost and the hurting who have no idea where to turn. and so i come back to my vow never to be a hypocrite. to be with the people on my heart, i have to walk that path. i have to hit rock bottom, and be pulled out. and maybe, just maybe, thats why ive been in so many situations that could have been potentially very dangerous and have always been protected some how. thats why bad things happen to good people. because we are being prepared for something, we are all destined for something great, somethign life changing, and UNIQUE. the path i have to walk to get where god wants me is going to be very different than yours. explains why some people never struggle with certain things, or someone can do one things without stumbling, while the same thing can have huge consequences for someone else. as i remeber right, Christ was destined to save mankind. well, didnt he have to become one of us? didnt he have to walk the same life that we are all walking? He couldnt have saved us if he had stayed in heaven. He never could have captured and won our hearts if he couldnt whisper to me the very things, in my very words that i am walking right now. because he was here. he is here. so to answer the question i have been asking myself over and over... do i believe that i am a masterpiece? and the answer to that question is yes. I am being transformed and prepared to touch a dying and lost world. i am being taught the only way i know- by experience. what it means to feel so far from god that i am lost and cant find a way out. Im learning what it means to lose something you had held on to and everyone looked up to you as a role model for, because i lost it. im learning how to rebuild your life, when everything seems torn from beneath you. what its like to have every belief you hold challenged and tested. to have your childhood ideals robbed and destroyed. to lose friends, to lose love, to lose yourself. to hit the rock bottom, and not even know where to start to climb out. but i know that this isnt gonna last forever, and that someday, people will remeber my name and not because ill be famous and it was written in lights across buildings, but because i will be a real girl who lived her testimony for all to see.

lost and confused...

mind, heart, and body
constantly struggling to be the loudest
each with its own voice
tearing me from the other in a devastating game
or a destructive war

my mind puts in the logic
of each varying view
waiting for an answer that satisfies
desperately searching for the middle ground
the no man's land

my heart whispers softly
of the future, of the present
and of the hearts i love
telling me the things ive always know
the things ive always heard

my body laughs at the both of them
it knows what it can do
the power it has found itself to posses
to win a heart and take
whatever it wants

and then theres the me in the middle of it all
cant i find something that will make them go away?
something to make this all easy?
but there are too many voices
like the shouts of a crowd

save
me

cuz
i
cant
save
myself

meeting the Lion...

said, "Lord, thou knowest how much i understand." but i said also (for the truth constrained me), "yet i have been seeking Tash all my days."

"Beloved, " said the Glorious One, "unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek."

Then He breathed on me and took away the trembling from my limbs and caused me to stand upon my feet. And after that, he said not much, but that we should meet again, and i must go farther up and farther in. then he turned him about and in a storm and flurry of gold and was gone suddenly."

"and since then, O kings and ladies, i have been wandering to find him and my happiness is so great that it even weakens me like a wound...."

"and this is the marvel of marvels, the he called me Beloved, me who am but as a dog..."

this is a fuck...

i love disastrous weekends that end in 3 cigarettes, overhearing screaming matches, and feeling sick. it ends in me sitting here at my computer, blaring emery and story of the year...

yah- basically this weekend has been all possible shit hitting the fan at the same time.

It started with plans to chill with nikki that had been in place for a few weeks. she was gonna come over here sunday night. then i found out earlier this week that alyssa was going to tacoma this weekend, so i was gonna ride with her to get there and come back with nikki sunday night. it was gonna be great.

then i got a call from alex and she had this big birthday thing going on this weekend, but because of my previous plans, i had to tell her i couldnt do it. yeah- felt horrible pulling out of super special birthday plans, but i had to. dissapointed best friend number 1.

then another friend called and we were gonna try and get together this weekend also, as she was going to be over here to see someone. nope- had to cancel that too, since i wasnt going to be in town. number 2.

then i found out today i had 2 BIG tests the same day- wednesday. both covering a lot adn i am NOT ready for either of them. but i decided it would be insane, but i was gonna do my best and study when i could. but i was feeling like all my plans were becoming a bad idea what with 2 sleepless (possibly intoxicated) nights adn a 5 am morning the next day...

then nikki called and pulled out. which was good.

BUT because i wasnt gonna go, alyssa wasnt gonna have any extra gas money, which leaves her a little stuck. but as we both discussed the situation, we decided it wasnt going to be a good idea anyways. we are plannign a big trip in two weeks and it will be better then.

but now her and her bf are in her room having an over the phone yelling match and i cant handle it. especially when he has no fucking idea whats going on and is being insanely selfish and is blaming shit on me. numbers 3 and 4.

not to mention cancelling plans with my grandparents for dinner. 5 and 6.

great, jerk. cuz you know whats happening 5 fucking hours away!

im just so upset and frustrated. i feel like shit for letting so many people down. i dont think i have ever let 6 people down in this short of time. maybe i should be in the guiness book of world records.

not to mention, myspace is a bitch adn my computer is being RETARDED.