She Will Be Remebered.

The sun had long set. The floor and her bed were covered in shirts, jeans, shoes, and necklaces. She sat herself down and opened her full bag of make up. As she slid on eyeliner she tried to avoid looking into her own eyes. maybe if she did it right, nobody else would care to look deep enough.

Some things are best left untouched.

Her phone rang, a welcome distraction from that voice that kept whispering her name. As she hung up, It caught her. Strong hands grabbed her by the shoulders and stopped her.

::Look at me.:: a deep voice said. A strong kind of voice that broke your heart just to hear it.

::No:: she said, trying to step out of the hands that gripped her, face turned down adn slightly to the side, avoiding the eyes that she felt had to be staring down at her. But the grasp didnt weaken.

::look at me:: he said again, his hand coming to her cheek. Not forcing her up, but ready to hold her protectively.


A tear rolled down her cheek. ::I can't. Please. I can't.:: She began sobbing.

::Dont' do it. Don't let it go!:: a voice behind her said. Through her tears she saw herself. Only this person was different. She looked as if she had spent her life drinking cheap wine and trying to hide it. She had the same shirt, the same shoes and the same jeans, only on her, they looked hideous. But they knew each other all too well.

The sobs came harder, choking her and seemed to tear at everything inside her. She couldnt say anything, but her heart was screaming clearer than any words could.

::Leave me alone. I am alone. And what does anyone care? You,::: she turned her raging eyes on the face above her, ::you arent fixing this. If you were who everyone told me you were then why does trying to follow you hurt so fucking much!? I've spent every emotion on chasing you, always reaching for some ideal. ANd now, i can see that its not attainable adn im not going to keep reaching for it! And you,:: she tore herself from the arms, pointing a finger at the woman across the room,::you are not me. i was never going to be you! I was never going to fail like you, i was never going to be desperate like you. i was never going to sell myelf like you! So what are you to say anything? Get out!::

Suddenly, another voice spoke. Yet again, it was another one of herself. This one had on the same shirt, shoes and jeans, but they looked... frumpy and stiff. She had the look of someone who spent all of her time inside, away from everything adn hiding. She looked as if she had never seen anything hard in her life- like a child in a grown body. ::Just come to the light. Just stop doing all the bad things. They are a sin. You need to pray more. You need to read your bible more. You are lost. But if you come to me, and fast and pray and seek solitude, it will all go away. its so easy. Just come to me, and i'll fix it all. Cuz i know what you need.::: She held out a pale hand, a pathetic and tragic look on her face.

For a seond the sobbing girl stopped. For a spilt second, comfort seemed to come to her, but then a betrayal and pain twisted her face once again.

::no. never again. Because you lied to me. you told me it would fix everything adn then when it didnt work, you left me. Thats no life. I dont want that anymore. I don't want to live in your box. you destroyed me, you smothered me. You never believed in me, not even once. And you fixed my heartaches with words and theories and bull shit about how i just needed to keep going, and be better. no, you get out too!::

As her rage and sobs subsided she was standing in the center of an open space. Not a room, not a field, just an open space. The three people stood before her. The child with a look of tragedy, the woman with a sadistic grin of victory, and the man. The man with the arms of love and the quiet ways.

She turned away from all three. As she turned she saw her reflection in a mirror. But again, it wasnt her. As she watched it changed. She saw herself holding a child with big black eyes and dark skin, laughing as she kissed his cheeks, then he vanished from her arms, she saw herself sitting at a piano, a melody drifting from the reflection. That too disappeared, it gave way to a sunset beach and her walking hand in hand with someone tall along it, the sunset disappeared into a picture of her sitting in a pastel colored room in a rocking chair with a soft bundle in her arms. That pictures faded into one of her standing in front of a huge crowd, pictures behind her of starving children, weeping mothers and exhausted fathers. the pictures began coming faster and faster, and she stood, captivated by them. Captivated by what she could be, what she could have done.

Then they stopped. The last picture of her gave way to a picutre of a rainy gray day and a crowd of people in black, in a circle, looking sad and solem. Tears on every face, and this puzzled her. There were people she had seen in teh previous pictures, and people she had never seen in her life. An old man began to speak.

::She will be remembered. Not only by those close, but by the world. Every heart touched by her smile and her tears, every life touched by her strength. She left a legacy.:: here the man paused, tears beginning to fill his eyes,::The world will never forget her name. She will be remebered...::

The girl stood, as the scene drifted off into the space before her. She replayed the things in her mind, and as she did, she felt a new strength and a new purpose rise up in her.

::ha, like you could ever do that!:: the woman snorted, sarcastic and mocking, ::you fucked it all up real bad, honey! and thats all you will EVER be remebered for, one big FUCK UP!:: she accused, laughing.

Teh girl felt a chain fall one her shoulders, knocking her breath from her.

::your not a...a ummm... MESS! up... but you couldnt ever do alll that cuz your too weak and you arent spiritual enough to change the world. I just dont think thats realistic! I'm sorry dear, but its just not... your not good enough for that...poor, poor girl::: The child said, shaking her head sadly adn crossing her arms.

Another chain wrapped itself around her like a snakem slowly and smoothly, but at the end, yanking itself tight, crushing her. The strength she had felt wilted. She turned her sad eyes to the man. Quiet and still.

::and you? you've always had something to say...:: she asked, choking up under the shame she felt.

::I say nothing but this. You have to choose. I cant accuse, because i know you. I know your Was, I know your Is, and I know your Could Have Been. But above all, I know your Are.:::

::but what am i?:: she questioned, holding up her chains,::This must be what i am, because they never leave. And i'm sooo...::here she paused turning to the woman,

::I'm so weak.:: The womans face turned from sarcasm to disgust.

::yeah, bitch, you are. But you didnt have to announce it! You make me sick!:: she turned away in disgust.

the girl continued, steeling herself against the accusation, ::and im so..tired of trying to be spiritual enough::

The child let out a gasp and a sob, ::NO! your going to go to...well... to hell! We all have to be spiritual!:: she let out a gasp and fell to her knees as if in prayer :::maybe god will spare you if you turn from your sins!:::

::What is left to do? i cant do this. i want to be the girl in the picture, with the little baby, with the little boy, with those women. Thats who i want to be!::

The quiet man stepped forward. ::then look at me.:: he whispered, his voice full of emotion.

She slowly raised her eyes. And as she saw his face, she felt the shame vanish and the chains fall. She began again to weep. ::i'm not strong enough! I can't do it. i cant.::

::then let me. Please, my child, please..:: he said in a voice of desperate love and longing,::: let me hold you.::

As he spoke the words, she cried harder, feeling as if she couldnt even move.

::I can't reach you:: she said, stretching out her hand.

::i'm not as far as you think. But you must come to me. just touch me.. please.::: he stretched out his hand, but at the same time, completely unmoving.


she knew she needed to reach him somehow. with the last of her will and the last of her strength, she crawled toward his outstreched hand. Hteir fingers barely touched, but she felt him grab her hand and pull her to her feet and into his arms, and for the first time she clung to something....

Becuase she realized that if she didnt hold on to it, forever, with all her might, she would never be remebered.

i have got to change something...

before its too late.
First of all, i have to quit smoking. Yes, i smoke. Im going to stop making excuses as to why its ok. I just need to stop. I realized today that here i am, working in a gym, telling all these women to be healthy, to work out, to eat right. and yet, i cant even do it. how can i expect some 250 pound women, 45 years old and widowed, nicotine addict that she can get her life on the right track, if im a 20 year old, healthy girl with a *normal* life and cant even do it myself?
i need to go back to the stuff i learned in argentina- its not about me and how i *feel* its about whats right and living that out.
but as soon as all the **whoo hoo! Sarahs gonna quit smoking and sarahs gonna get back into whats important** i freak out and realize that in some ways, i dont want it. Because it means fight and struggle, and im so hella tired of the fight adn struggle. i feel like ive spent my entire life fighting against something- mostly myself..
and im so tired.
but i know i cant give up, cuz then all the fighting in teh past will turn into nothing and it will all be meaningless...
sometimes life leaves you with one thing to say...
::Fuck::
yes, i know its strong, but thats exactly how i feel...like one big giant fuck up, who has to pick herself up off her ass and start all over.
so i guess i just need you to pray for me. pray real hard too...

to everyone who loves me...

Hey, just an update on me. a lot of people have written asking whats up, and so im writting one big comment, so think of this as a big hug to all....

im doing pretty good. my family is leaving in the next few days, so things are pretty crazy. sorry for unreturned phone calls (see last blog).
On top of that, im getting ready to transfer adn start a real live university in January- Washington State University (GO COUGS!) Im pretty much stoked. i have an amazing house that opened up- 2 bedroom cottage for CRAZY cheap, especially if i split it with a friend. and also, i have the possiblitly of having an AMZING roomate. its a girl i work with who has the same major and loves spanish as much as i do. ALYSSA ROCKS! and our house will ::haul ass:: (thank you, sarah, for making that the phrase of the day) so if your in pullman washington, stop by.
on a deeper level, this is a hard time, simply full of change and that whole ::finding my wings::; for REALS- getting ready for my own house, my own life outside of here, all of it. its stressful and sometimes i break down (as i have like 3xs this week) but i know that god is constantly working. its as if when i came home, i had to fight for everything i learned all over, but not as bad, cuz it was still there. it was the whole thing like in india- believeing when circumstances scream otherwise. but im working on it.
its a hard process to go back to a church and to get back into that, but i know its a PROCESS and im taking small steps and is gently coaxing me one more step. ive started taking riding lessons from a friend and its funny how in the two weeks ive been doing that, god has used that to remind me of so many truths that i forget so easily.
on a work note... well, id rather not even go there. its ok and ill make it.

so i know thats pretty not too deep, but its an update. give me some time and when things calm down again, i will let you guys know more.
i loev you all and it is so encouraging to know that people are still there for me.

I know.. I sound like a freak... its about my dog...

but i'm basically obsessing about getting a dog. Like a lot. And its really weird to me as to why this is so important... so lets all take a journey...

it started when i was little adn i wanted a puppy. and shawn said i couldnt have one. but that was all i ever wanted, honestly, more than anything.

Thne we got lasse (not NOT after the collie, and YES after my family...) I remeber the first time i saw her... my dad had worked a job and had found out that her family wanted to get rid of her, and my dad said he wanted to take her. So i begged and begged to get to go when my dad picked her up, and he said yes. it was love at first site.

She was a big German shepherd mix that looked super scary, yet she was the sweetest thing when you went up to her. and the only time she ever bit was when my dad picked her up to put her in the truck. and we brought her home and like i said, i loved her.

And i remeber playing with her for hours. i wanted to have a horse so i'd get her leash and set up jumps in my yard and try and teach her how to jump. poor thing... surpirsed she didnt hate me for it. And we used to play tag for ever. and tug of war til she made me laugh so hard i couldnt pull anymore, in which case she would drop the toy and roll over begging to get her belly rubbed. I didnt have siblings, and i wasnt spoiled with gameboys and tvs. so i played with my dog.

And as i got older, she went on my first long walk, my first all day outing to the beach, all of it. And i was never scared with her there, cuz i knew she'd kill before she let anything happen to me. I remeber seeing her in guard dog training. she ripped the guys jacket off and he actually had to run for his life.

But she would never just hurt anyone, and everyone would always say how beautiful she was, and peoples heads would always turn when they saw her, cuz she was gorgeous. i would just wrap my arms around her and say all my thoughts or cry or giggle, and shed just sit there and
chill. She was my friend when i was such a childhood disaster that i physically, mentally and emotionally couldnt have any.

and then she began to get older. and id go out to feed her in the morning, and i began to wonder every morning if today would be the day she wouldnt wake up.

and one morning, she couldnt stand up to say hi. and she tried adn fell down. so she tried again and fell, her left side completely useless. and i knew it, i had to let her go and quickly cuz she was hurting. and i brought her in teh house and called my mom and we both knew it was over. and my mom asked me, ::: do you want to put her down?::: adn i said ::Yes, adn find a way to do it today.:: When i said it, i didnt have any idea that a year later id be crying just remebering it.

so we did that night. i had thought i was going to be able to go to class adn hang out with someone afterward. somehow i thought that i could just say good by to my baby and friend for 12 years and move on. the minute i saw her get taken into the vet, i broke. i couldnt listen to what the vet said, i was crying adn trying so hard to NOT cry. :::its just dog. its just a dog:: i kept trying to tell myelf, but that didnt work at all...

and when the vet came to give her the injection i pulled all her 100 pounds on my lap and buried my head in her fur and cried so hard i wanted to puke. As i felt her get heavier adn heavier i wanted to tell them to stop, but it is a wierd feeling to see something and feel something that is already finished and you cant stop it. I sat there for half and hour after she was gone cuz i couldnt actually let her go. and then to leave her in that vet room was so hard.

but life went on and i went away and didnt have to think about it cuz i was too busy..

And now a year later, i talk about her and still choke up. adn i decided i needed to just write it all and get it out, adn im a big snotty mess right now. So if you see the big collar on my rear veiw mirror, shut the fuck up, cuz you have no idea what that dog was to me.

and maybe thats why a dog is so important, because they love you. no matter what you say or how mad you are, they are still there with their big eyes just wanting to love on you and for you to love them....

damn, the world would be a different place if we all made our need for love as obvious and begged for it like dogs do.