i have a lot of questions...

Why did you call me? and how much do i really trust you? is it worth what i have to give for what you are offering me?

As i talk and think- i realize that there is a lot more than two roads to walk in all this. One is black and white, defined and rigid. the other is a slew of colors and sensations all calling my name, but with the possiblitity of a dark ending awaiting past the lights.

why cant i simply walk along both? is it truly possible that who i was created as, my emotions, my needs, and my own lines are different from someone else? or is it truly a rigid, one way road that i have to walk? because if it was, we should all be robots, because where does that leave us to uniquely express ourselves and live? i know it gives us a little room, as long as all our passions and creativity are directed into a single channel, for a sole purpose. how does that truly bring people into freedom when we ourselves are trapped by it ourselves? And some people say that it is freeing to be there, but i guess im missing that part. I see over worked, stressed out people striving to do ::::one more meeting::: ::one more event::one more :: one more:::. people who walk out on you, who tell you your screwing up, people who live in a big show. not all, but some. and the ones that arent like that are the ones i meet in teh weirdest places... at parties, having a smoke break.

and maybe i should just be better at learning from other people, for others mistakes, from the things i was told all my life, but i cant. if i spend my whole life saying ::ive heard about this one person who said that was bad::: when i get to the end, whereever that is, what will i have to say for myself? wil i be like at the end of the movies where i can say i truly lived? I guess in some ways im addicted to emotion- each and every up and down, each low, each crazy rushing high. and i feel like whats been put before only offers a medicore version of experiencing all that there is. not that im gonna go out and do everything, cuz im not stupid, but its just a thought and another question...

I guess im learning who i am, on shocking discovery at a time, one messed up night, one conversation that challenges me, one day, one step at a time....

This is me...

Its late and i have to get up at 5, but i just cant sleep. partly cuz i just saw the departed again (amazing- but bloody and lots of language...) and partly cuz its the quiet nights that make me think about life. Today i started thinking about everything im doing right now, adn the things that are ahead, and sometimes i just really wish i could say :::fuck it all, i just dont care!::: but then i realize that even tho its crazy stressful and i feel like im stepping out into a fog, theres something ahead of me that is unexplainably beautiful. I was talking to my room mate the other night and we were talking baout how we deal with the shit in our lives. and she was like ::you just get angry::: and im not mad at her, cuz its true. and this led me to think about my smoking. (no, i havent quit. yes i tried, but i started up again...)and i realized that yah- ive got a lot of people telling em to quit and a lot of people after me about it, and i realize that i get angry at myself when they do. and as i thought about it more, i realized my deepest hearts cry to have someone i could be completley vulnerable with, someone who i could share my struggles and they would love me through it all. and NOT to say all my friends dont do that- but its weird. im in this place of wanting to find someone who will meet me NOW and say ::sarah, i dont care what you were, i dont wanna know, i just want you to be what you can become.::: and i realize how deathly afraid of rejection i am, of not being needed by someone, of not having someone depend on me. and then i feel like a total bitch, cuz i realze there are so many people pulling for me and wanting to see me succeed. but then the presure scares me. And i realize that i am constantly getting mad at myself and beating myself up to avoid the pain i could feel if i let myself be weak. and i beat myself up cuz im scared shitless that if i dont change, ill be abandoned. im so tired of hiding myself....



And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me'
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

hold on to your hats- or your gonna get lost in the shuffle...

As i look back on this last weekend and think about everything that happened- all i can really say to sum it up is ::wow:: ill give you a breif recap
-random place in eastern washington- big semi kicks up HUGE rock that hits winshield and next thing i know im sitting on the side of the road, a hole in my winshield and glass all over me.
-see the place im gonna live, next day parents give money for downpayment- its ours as of November 1st- and no pulling out.
-speeding ticket somewhere in idaho, becuase the cop thinks we were are WSU partying. yay for tickets!
-saw my parents place- which is beautiful!!
-saw WSU campus and now im nervous like none other. ITS HUGE! Ill be fine tho...
So that is the hilights- it was a good weekend and definitely got tons accomplished. Im really excited for this next step and everything that gonna happen.
When i got home, i gave my notice- my last day is thanksgiving... its gonna be amazing. then ill be outta town for a few days, then back. Me and alyssa are moving moving on December 10/11th. So dont worry- im gonna have a party for everyone to come hang out before i leave, and a party up at alexs (hehe) and itll be amazing. Im so excited.
oh- then last nigth a girl quit a work which means i get extra hours (YAY!!!) but it also means im gonna be working straight (between both jobs- 7 days a week unless im outta town...) until i leave. so sorry if i dont see you or come and chill a lot- im gonna have to be miss antisocial for a few weeks... :( and you all know me, and know its REALLY gonna SUCK!

anyways- theres the update. i lov eyou all!!!
xosss

Why is it easier to look at the bad, not the good...

So tonight i got home, with a stomach ache, and sat down to check my emails and stuff. WHat should be there but a FAFSA thing, and long story short, i stressed myeslf out about it, and freaked out. then i went upstairs to my wreck of a room and freaked out. flipped out over a TXT msg, then effed up my matte and made a mess.

all this time, freaking out about how im not gonna make it, and thinking about all the obstacles. i let myself get totally blind to how this is all coming together...

the house. the roommate. getting accepted. being given a commercial, super nice, fully loaded HP, not going to be outdated for a few years, FREE computer. i quit smoking- as in i havent bought any in two weeks. the excitement and expectancy i have for whats next. that my dad paid all my car repairs. that my grandma is sending a gift of money. that im picking up a bunch of hours this week and the next few.

i really am blessed. and i really am supposed to do this.

i dont know how to explain it. its like im being taken on an adventure, like im holding someone hand and chasing after them, as i get pulled along- captivated by the voice calling me from somewhere ive never been to a place ive never seen. its like a kiss that leaves you wanting more, so you come in a little closer, but then its a little farther back, with a sly smile, waiting for you to come get it. in the end, you have no choice but to throw your arms around his neck to keep him from going away again...

i guess, in teh midst of all of this drama and craziness of pulling it all together...

Im in the most amazing romance i will ever be in in my entire life.

i feel bad...

si i feel bad about last night. i told my friend i was coming to this thing, but when the time came, i felt sick and just didnt want to drag myslef to a new situation, with people i have a retarded history with, or who sort of know me- i guess i just crave complete annomity at this moment.

Actually- annomity isnt what i crave. its the chance to start completely over. its a chance to say ::hi, my name is sarah, and you are meeting me now- and dont have all the history and ideas of who i am adn should be.::

thats the hardest thing right now- im not purely ME, im a mixture between the sarah that i maintain around one set of people, and the sarah who doesnt live with the same rules and boundries that shes had all her life, and when im not in one of those im frustrated and pissed that im not realyl living.

really living means that everything you hold inside- the gifts and talents, and the personality that is only yours, has a chance to express itself and experience each wave of emotion, circumstance, and change.

and thats not exactly where i am right now.

on saturday, as i was smoking a cigarette this kid (sunshine is amazing....) said ::on your myspace it says you quit. so why are you still doing it?::: and i was basically lied to him, and yet lied to myself all at the same time ::umm, i put that there for my conservative friends.::: Which isnt true- because im trying to quit, honestly- (bw- havent smoked since sunday...) for a lot of reasons. But at the same time, i know to an extent it was tearing me up so much because i know that there are a lot fo people who WANT me to quit.

and i dont know why accepting that people love me and care about me feels like people telling me what to do.

and i guess that brings me to why i feel so bad about last night- she told me she wanted me there and that she thought i was supposed to be there. and i felt pressurred and so went the opposite way- and now feel like a total bitch.

man- my life feels like a crazy roller coaster full of switch backs...

but im gonna get through this. and what doesnt kill ya...

makes you stronger...