really long and important....

so i have finally decided something.

I´m through with HIM. Im through with not knowing. I´m through with looking only at one guy who either doesnt care like i do, or cant get enough courage or SOMETHING to just talk to me straight up. and im tired of going crazy when hes around and feeling like i cant be myself cuz i dont wanna be stupid around him. anyways, heres how i came to these conclusions...

So, for like three weeks ive been going crazy, like ::what does he think, why isnt he talking::: blah blah. It was seriously taking a toll on me, not just emotionally, but physically, along with everything else going on.

well just when i thought i would burst on go insane, he left for brazil. and when he left, i said to god ::take this from me, or confirm it in this time. I cant do this anymore.::: so then i just waited for God to speak.

well at the same time as all this, one guy came back to the base who was like my best friend in my school. And me and him always talk adn chill, even though he speaks like no english and my spanish is crap. lol- but thats how we became friends in the first place. so yah, me and him would keep talking and stuff and its awesome.

well one night, like two days ago,i was chilling with my other friends and just talking and stuff, and all of a sudden they bring my friend through the gate on a board, because he had hurt his knee really bad, like tore something or something::: it was bad.

and he was like basically wanting to cry cuz it hurt so bad, but there were all these people and stuff, and he wanted everyone to leave but me, and was like leaning against me adn stuff. and i realized how much he means to me. and no not like he was gonna die or anything, but when someone you care about is hurting and you see it, you realize how much they mean to you, ya know...

and no, im not like ::::ohhh, im in love with him::::: but i went to bed that night thinking.

how can i say im in love with someone i hardly know anymore?
how can i be in love with someone i cant be myself around and who cant be real with me?
How can i be in love with someone who i cant just sit and be with, and laugh with?
how can i be in love with someone who i cant read their thoughts and who cant read mine?

and not to say HE doesnt like me and that its been his intention to do all this- i have no idea what hes thinking. adn thats the point, I DONT KNOW WHAT HES THINKING. because we started out as friends and maybe had things gone different, and maybe had we been a lot more transparent with each other adn our leaders, things would be different now...

and i realized that my friend who hurt himself is my friend no matter what and we have that foundation. so if anything else ever happens (which i honestly doubt, cuz hes in love with a girl from germany...) we are friends, and it hasnt been all confused by crap.

so i realized something...
im done. im done. im done.

and i have learned so much through this experience with HIM: Love is unconditional and its a choice. Surrender is different from renouncing. so many other things.

and also, next time or when someone wants to be with me im not gonna let there be the gray crazy haziness of unclarity. and im not gonna let myself fall for someone like i was for him, unless they say to me straight up ::im inlove with you and i want to be with you::: before they talk to leaders, before they simply quit talking, before they hint and in some ways -intentional or no- lead me on.

No, its gonna be straight up and clear. cuz im tired of my heart suffering and tired of the pain it brings.

NO MAS!

btw-

IM MARRYING AN ARGENTINE. and by the looks of things probably one with an eyebrow ring... lol. who´da thunk it?!?!

can someone take me home

i cant wait to get home.

its so hard.

im basically on the verge of meltdown.

all of my stress crap is coming back- chest pain, stomach aches, all of it, lack of sleep

its hell.

but i know i need to stick it out.

i know when i step off that plane and see a home face, im gonna start crying my eyes out.

actually the moment i see the mountain, im gonna cry.

home.

the costs of life...

life. life. life.

do you ever just get so tired of it?

but its all good.

today is gonna be a good day.

im so stoked cuz two of my really good friends are back at the base!!! YAY!!

and its cold, but beautiful outside.

and IM COMING HOME!

over all, i think the goods outweight the bads and a truth to remember is this...

The higher price, the more it means to you and the more amazing and worth it it becomes.

what god showed me on easter...

its kinda funny. here i am. sarah the missionary girl, serving god among the heathens, sat at the base all day on easter.

but god has blessed me and spoke to me so much.

i talked to my grandma this morning. took a shower and then fasted the morning.

i sat on my bed and was like ::::god, i need some words from you today. about going home, about HIM, just a word::::

and he gave me one. he gave me a amazing word about when i go home.

all i can say about what has happened in my life is that its not me. all i can preach is CHRIST and HIS work in me. thats what changed me adn thats what will impact the people around me.

then i got up and was like :::cool, thanks god. i would ask for a word on HIM, but im too scared...::: like said to god how i felt and just gave him all me fears and doubts and all of it. and got up and put on my shoes and getting ready to leave adn god was like ::::i have more for you if you take the time to listen:::

it was basically god saying to me :::come and be with me more, i want to talk to you:::

and i couldnt resist.

so i sat down and he began speakign so much amazing things about what he has for me and everything. and i picked up my pen and began to write adn god showed me something so amazing about the whole drama going on right now.

it was amazing. and i have such a peace.

but its so weird, becasue everyones like ::ask god to take away your feelings for this guy and renounce to them and blah blah.:: and so i took all that to god adn said, :::god heres my feelings. youv told me renouncing isnt always the right thing because sometimes it means denial and i cant deny all this. but i want your will and i want you to take them in your hands and do with it what you want.:::

and youd think, in the box of a mind we all have to some extent, that god would say ::its wrong, hes not for you. get over him, and stop thinking in this.:::

but thats not what hes telling me.

instead he's telling me to wait.

to learn what is love truly.

to learn to rest in him and trust in his times.

to learn to bless when i dont understand whats going on and it hurts.

to learn to discern what is going on in someone elses life that may affect me.

to learn.

so thats why my easter was amazing.

because god spoke to me more than if i had gone and sat in church and said ::he has risen indeed::: to ahundered people.

and when god speaks to you... theres nothing better.

Once a blonde,. you can never be anything else...

so yah, i turned my hair back to blond....

well actually its really strawberry, but i love it.

i nevr realized how much i missed my blond hair.

when i get home thins siçummer i can make it blond blond again... YAY!

i really do think blonds have all the fun...

lol


BLONDE GENIUSES!!!!!

again... i feel like im...

confused.



Confusion number 1:

you know when you lsee this one person and your just like, what the heck are you thinking? and youve wondered that for nine months? it sux, to put it simply. especially when theres a lot of other people who seem to know more than you and when its one of those :::::hi this is MY life, and this is MY issue:::: it really sux.

Confusion number 2:

relates to confusion 1. i dont know if i need to say something or let it go. to say something would give me peace and i could finally know whats going on and all that. but it might mean heartbreak or more complictaion becasuse then things are out in the open and you cant hide them anymore. i have 5 weeks to figure all this out.....

confusion number 3:

last night i hing out with someone from home (niks knows...) and it was... weird. i mean like i respect her adn i know she has a lot of insight into things and i know she can see other things that i cant in my own life. but she said a lot of things that made me really confused. like she said i was still really angry and rebellious. and yes, sometimes yah, but not all the time and god has done a huge freaking butt load of stuff in my life with that. and im not half the angry rebellious person i was before. i dunno, it was... awkward to say the least, cuz shes like telling me all this crap then like :::relax, we´re going out tonight!!!::: and im like:::thanks for making me think about all my issues and wonder whats true. that helps me relax:::: and it was like ::::cant you see what god HAS done, rather than point out the issues that god has been working and working on. I KNOW I HAVE PROBLEMS:::: i dunno... it just confused me. i mean, i thought god has taken so much of that adn i know he has... but then i doubt myself which leads to......

Confusion number 3:

where do you take to hear the opinions of peòple and when do you stop? I mena, picture living in a place where about 20 people are your family and at least half of them know all your dirt and the other half know some one elses dirt that is connected to your dirt. so then everyone has opinions and has ideas and ::encouragemnet:: and all this to tell you. and they all see what you need to grow in and when you said that on thing it was wrong and it reflected something in your hear that you have to deal with, and they all want the best for you and want to see you grow and allthat. and dont think im being bitter or mad, cuz im not. im just trying t figure out when do you take it to heart and when do you let it go? i mean, maybe 3-5 people know intimately and deeply the process im walking right now, and their the poeple who i feel like i should only listen to. but then everyone else who i love nad care about adn respect. i dont want to ignore them, but i cant please everyone (DO YOU HEAR THAT ME!!!- YOU CANT SAVE EVERYONE!!!) and where do you draw the lines.....

confusion number 4:

so lets say this awkwards ilence im experiencing is because there is something there on the other side of the equation. okay... what am i gonna do about it? i know if it were to get around the base, confusion number three would increase by BIJILLIONS becaseu everyone has their ideas of what i need adn who he is and blah blah. not saying that i would jump into this whole relationship thing. i mena, ive liked this perosn since september, and 2 of the nine months weve been together weve been seperated and during the first 5 months we only talked like... never because i was in my school and since its been over we´ve hardly talked because of what leaders have told us. so what will i do.... what does god want from me....

thats the big question that will bring light to all confusion...

WHAT DOES GOD SAY?

never again...

never again....
never again will i take sparkling blue water for granted...
never again will i be too busy to take a second to gaze at a snow capped mountain.
never again will i rush through a green forest
never again will i turn down an oppurtunity to go for a walk on a frosty night
never again will i be too busy to read my sister a story or paint her nails
never again will i lose an oppurtunity to be silent and just think
never again will i not take the time to snuggle with my sisters
never again will i refuse a slumber party
never again will i pass up an oppurtunity to have coffee with my friends
never again will i tell my brothers i cant play a game because i just dont want to
never again will i spend a whole day mad at my mom and dad.
never again will i say goodbye to the people i care about without giving them a hug
never again will i see rush hour as a nusiance, but merely a chance to slow down
never again will i look for love in places it shouldnt be
never again will i let myself get caught up in the drama of a moment so much i lose sight of who i am
never again will i think im entitled to a car where i can sing at the top of my lungs as i drive down the highway on a summer night with the windows open
never again will i think a song is too old to listen to
never again will i forget that to be myself is more important than impressing someone
never again will i rush an moment with someone i love
never again will i be too busy to hear my brother tell me about something he loves
never again will i run from an adventure, but ill seek them out and bring someone with me
nevr again will i forget that i am blessed beyond all i can even imagine.

When Daddy sings you to sleep...

So yesterday like sucked.

I had like 5 emotional breakdowns and spent the whole day shaking- like basically a panic attack or stress thing.

it sucked.

and i realized why. Its because all the reality is sinking in. and its hard.

its like i have to grieve for what im losing. at the old me would never have felt anything. she would said smile and nod and moved on. but its okay, cuz id rather feel like this then go back to the numbness and anger.

and then last night before i went to bed, i went outside and just said, god speak to me. i need a hug...

and he did. like he just spoke to me so much about how he is my father. adn i lookewd back in my life and thought of my memories with my birth dad and how preious those memories are to me and god was like :::im there, too.::: .::those are my big arms holding you:::

and in some ways, satan is trying to tell me that because im growing up, ill lose my Dad, because i will have to be strong again, like the old days. and god is like ::no, i nevr will leave and i never have:::

and then i just felt this peace, and just secure in the midst of it all....

and then i went to bed and slept so good.....

he never leaves.

no matter what.