Number one: Why I want to get a horse as my second tat
Well, first of all, theres a Natasha Beddingfield song called wild horses. and the song talks about wanting to be free like the horses, to step out of everything that holds us back from who we are wanting to be. And thats totally me... plus, i love horses, to death, no joke. Its an addiction, no matter how seldom satisfied. Horses remind me of freedom, freedom from everything and complete surrender to the open air and wide skies.


Number two: Who am I becoming and who do i want to become?
and thats a painful question. because tonight i was chilling and started talking about my past and somewhere deep down, i was choking back the pain. and i realized theres still a lot there and its time to undo another layer. and i heard the bitterness in my voice when i talked about pscc and church and thats NOT who i want to be. Of all things i dont want to be bitter, but its so hard, cuz it still really hurts.... And i also was talking about who i was- like last summer and before, and realized i never want to go back. i want to become better, stronger, more healed, more effective, more passionate in my beliefs. More free...
i can tell this beach experience on sunday will find me taking a long walk alone...


Number three: Past relationships and my own frailty
And its not that im mad at anyone. it wasnt their fault that i was so hurt. but i realize that i have become so gun-shy. I realized i am truly not as hard as i once thought i was. And i dont want to be anymore. I dont wanna joke around anymore about any of it, in some ways it hurts and isnt funny anymore. At one point i loved having the fun of joking with a guy and loved flirting and knowing that (or at least thinking) my heart was miles from getting hurt and that it was just fun. And in some ways i did have my heart miles away, cuz i never let whoever it was get too close to who i truly was, I ran away. Then there was this one time when i actualyl wanted to be known and come out of my little castle, but i couldnt. Something held me back, and i stayed hidden, which was probably a factor cntributing to why it didnt work out.
and now, i am realizing that i dont want to do that again. I dont want to hide anymore. But im scared to even let anyone close at the same time. Does that make sense? I guess when it all comes down to it, ill have to find that place of safety and vulnerability, where i dont have to be strong anymore. Will that actualyl ever happen? I mean i look at myself and wonder ::::is there anyone who would actually chose me, and chose to walk through all this with me? Who would never leave no matter what i did or how hard i pushed away? SOmeone who would see past all that and love me through it all..:::: and i wonder.....

theres more going through my head but its time for bed... ill keep it all in here and wait to let it all out again...

what it sounds like when thoughts are half finished....

Well, at this moment EXACTLY, I'm sitting at my grandpas comuter, drinking a curves protein shake, chocolate, by the way. (dont laugh at me cuz i think they're good!!)
and im thinking about a lot of things... money, last night, and argentina. Those are probably always the top three things i think about, adding boys in there too actually...
So im trying to buy this car, and my grandparents are going to front the money for it, but im also thinking about all the other stuff i need to buy- shorts, a swimsuit (NOT fun, but honestly, not as bad as i thought it would be...) on top of that i will eventually have to pay for college and thats even scarier than everything else. And the hardest thing is that im at this place with my dad where he just is too busy to really help me, and that really sucks. So im yet again, on another step to growing up...
Then there was last night. overall, good night. but i went to applebys and a bunch of people we there and it was really awkward. simply cuz.. well, i dunno exactly, but it was weird. (by the way, IM REALLY TAN!!!!! wooohoooo!!!!!) And then i was going to chill with dooster adn samuel, but decided against it.... mostly cuz .. well, just cuz.
Funny thing that happened was that samuel called my moms cell phone and my dad answered and it was funny (well, AFTER the fact!) my dad basically asked him all these questions, and yah, i guess you had to be there. but then samuel got on the phone with me adn was like :::itd be the greatest decision of your life if you dated me!::: and for once, i was actually speechless. Maybe its because me and samuel dont really have a big friendship, i mean we've only hung out a few times, and that was kind of the last thing i expected. But then i was thinking about it more later. and i realized part of it is simply the change thats happened. Im just not into it anymore. Its weird...
sorry a lot of my thoughts are half finished, thats the way i feel about my mind right now... everythings half finished...

oh high light of the night...

nikki giving my mom the finger.

thats my girl! it was on accident tho. but it made my mom laugh...

anyways, im off to work. i miss argentina. but i now the next few months and years are going to be amazing.
xosss

i never thought id ever feel like this....

so im feeling a little loney and pathetic at the moment.

i seriously have like hardly any friends anymore. and you know the crazy part, theres only a few people i really want to be my friends... and they are people that i really have no excuse to call up adn be like ::what up, this is sarah and i think we should hang out! even tho we've only hung out like once or twice.::: grrr, i hate that.

what happened to Sarah the social butterfly, life of the party girl??!!?!?! actualyl, its ok that shes gone, but sometimes i still miss her.

anyways, i think im going to go walk around by the water and then come home and watch something pathetic and war-ish. like braveheart or kingdom of heaven, something like that.
(by the way, i watch those kinda movies when im feeling patheic, weird huh??)

im shutting up.

what am i freaking gonna do....

im going crazy about school. i just found out that i have to take another freaking biology class!! seriously, how retarded is that!! which means i will either have to drop a spanish class, or take another class this summer.

THATS SO LESBIAN!

honestly, im going crazy with all my work and i truly have no idea how im going to cope with all this. i mean, i know ill be ok, and i should probably shut up and go to bed, but im all frustrated and fired up (as my mommy says...)

yah, AND im totally having withdrawls on something so retarded im not even gonna write it on here... no, its not drugs, or drinking or anything bad... but you know when you decided that you are not gonna let something distract you and you are not wanting ANYTHING to happen with anything in that area, unless its completley right, but then you cant get your mind to stop wondering about so and so, and what are you gonna do if you end up an old maid, and how much you are tired of being single...there i said it, in a round about sorta way. blah. it sux. and its all theses stupid insecurities, because im kicking the habit- the being boy crazy one, that is. ......

AND im freaking tired of my car!!! its gonna die any day and i have absolutely NO FREAKING MONEY!!

ahhh... i need to go to bed.
xosss

Exaustion makes a person think.

Im not going to do it anymore....

I have decided something, and I am realzing that this is going to be a hard thing for me to do on my own, but i know god is going to help me.

Im tired of living double standards. Im tired of going through these struggles with smoking adn driking and this and that because i have never actually set the boundaries. Im ready to set new boundaries for my life, because i want to grow and i dont want to keep doing these things that i know are hurting me...

my grandma once told me that i have this dream to be with this amazing guy, who doesnt drink, who doesnt party, who doesnt smoke, who is in shape, who is loving and confident, and has pure relationships with girls, but is still cool adn fun, blah blah. and you know what?

Am i the kind of girl a guy like that would want to be with?

and i have to say, no.

its true, im a lot better than i was last year. but i could go farther.

Smoking is not an option. I know, for one, i have a genetic tendency to get addicted to it since my birth mom smoked hard core all my life.So WHY THe HECK DO I PLAY AROUND WITH IT? funny, i told my dad i was worried about his drinking, well, i can tbe a hypocrite, and say ::dont drink:: when i would smoke in a second if the opprtunity arose. And im not going to do it anymore.

Also, drinking. I have no desire to get drunk. I mean, i do, but why??to be rebellious, to be crazy, to experience something. No. Do i want to see the guy i love drunk at a party making a total fool of himself? No. Do i want to even open the dorr to the possibility of addiction and alcholoism? no. Thats notto say im never gonna drink, cuz i will. but i do not want to ever go out and purposely get drunk. Its not an issue to play around with. And i dont want to anymore.

So i am going to make an apology to em and nik, im sorry for encouraging you in all that. Im sorry for taking all this as a game. cuz its not and i dont want to live like a child and make it a game.

also my relationships with guys. i realized, i cant be all boy crazy anymore, because it gives mixed messages and isnt :::walking in teh light i have been given:::: And im not guarding my own heart. and if theres one thing that i am so tired of, its the whole thing of tearing up my own heart by my own actions. and im not going to anymore. No more late nights alone with guys, no more long phone calls, no more flirting. I dont want to do it anymore, cuz its not the kind of guy i want to be with. And i want to be a girl that someone fights for, not a girl that throws herself on everyone.

so....

today is a new day. and you knowwhat?

Im a new sarah. Cuz im choosing not to go back.