::sigh:::

today has been a crazy emotional day....

first i got up at 5 am to go to work. and i got there and some other lady already had a key (a member, mind you!) and she had opened the store. and then there were like 4 ladies in there, and they told me that the club was open from last night!! i almost crapped my pants. and then they all started joking and laughing cuz she had the key.

needless to say, dont mess with me at 5 am cuz that makes it a bad start to the day...

oh and a few MONTHS ago, some kid effed up my hand and it still hasnt gotten better, so my fingers have been taped together all day cuz it hurts so bad cuz i re-did-whatever- happened to it a few days ago.

then i worked and went and took a test that i really wasnt quite ready for.

it was snowy and foggy.

all that to say that i got home in a grumpy whiny sad depressed mood.

and micah doesnt have minutes, so i couldnt talk to him on the phone so we IM'd, which was better than nothing. but it made me miss him so much.

sometimes i wonder if it would hurt less to just not talk, then to talk and have him so close, yet so far away from me. especially when i just want to sit and cry and cuddle and talk to.

so i wasnt a trooper today, like im trying to be...

but i guess we all have our days, right??

anyways, so today has been one of those days, and im trying NOT to go to bed, but i guess its 8 so i guess i can.. lol

i love you all.

My next tattoo

is going to be super hott...

its going to be a siloutte of a pair of tango dancers... but heres my question...

which siloutte? based on these pics... i need some input. lol

its going to go on my upper leg....

missing and missing

When You're Gone
"Hold onto love that is what I do now that I've found you.
And from above everything's stinking, they're not around you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
But I'll miss you when you're gone, that is what I do. Hey, baby!
And it's going to carry on, that is what I do. Hey, baby...
Hold onto my hands, I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everything's stinking, stinking without you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you.
But I'll miss you when you're gone, that is what I do. Hey, baby!
And it's going to carry on, that is what I do. hey, baby...

i miss him. too much.

you should all love the cranberries. they kick ass.

Sometimes sleep is the best alternative to intoxication...

why is life so damn stressful?

why is it that no matter how hard i work to do ::my part:: things always come up and its so easy to get discouraged?

i guess i need to change my perspective. thats been a huge thing for me lately, so much of life is how we chose to look at the things that are coming our way.

so instead of freaking out cuz my roomate is being.. uncommunicative and im freaking out about the possibility of not having one...but not effing knowing anything but that half the rent hasnt been paid... and instead of crying cuz micah is so far away... and getting overwhelmed with all my school shit.. and freaking out about missing everyone so much...

i need to look on the brightside- i have a job where they want to use me and acknowledge the fact that i have given the last 4-5 years of my life to this job and know my shit, somehow im gonna be able to make it to hawaii in 2 months, school is just an issue of organizing your life (which im good at) and its not like i wont see people.

plus the more i chill at my house the more i realize i needed this time of just relaxing and ::being::. ive been running so much and havent taken any time to just rest and live. plus, i can focus on work and school so i can be DONE. AND im learning all about how to live my life on my own so that im not gonna be dependent on my parents or other people for the rest of my life.

so instead of getting shitfaced like id love to do right now, im going to go take a nap and then lose my self in child developement theories, making a family collage, and the interworkings of spanish.... and let myself focus on it so it becomes interesting....

xosss

i cant do this...

i miss everyone so much.

right now, i just want to be with all of you guys right now.

i miss nikki so much and i wish we could just be on grandview having a cigarette.

or alkai with alex and a pack.

or with my family, hugging myu sisters.

or with micah. just sitting there listening to music and watching a movie.

im crying to talk to nikki and im crying some more.

i love you all. and i never knew how much i need you all to keep me smilin.

xosss

::sigh::: i love school. NOT!

I know, its only like 3 days into it, but bleh. im already slightly overwhelmed. oh well, im gonna make it.

so i think i got a job today. well, actually i got like 3 regular shifts at curves. plus a few fill ins. so thats good.

and i got a lead for a job at a day care center. and thats even better. i gotta go re-write my resume tho to include all my kid stuff.... yay.

so this means i mught get to go to hawaii, depending on this other job.... :) YAY.

so the other thing i have officially decided today? my summer plans.

first of all, i need to work my ass off. as in not taking mass amounts of time off just because. i reallized i did so much of that this summer and that was a bad idea. so im thinking to take like two-ish weeks off for my birthday and im planning a trip to the oregon coast during that time. im stoked for that- i need to take some time to revisit some old places adn memories.

But the plan is that im gonna work my arse off so i can buy a new car this summer. I need to by next winter. my car is hella scary around here cuz its so little and slidy.

anyways, the only reason for this post is some mental de-tox and rambling. thanks for reading. lol

xosss

I dont know much- but i do know some things...

1. rice-a-roni sux.

2. living on your own is expensive.

3. money goes to quick.

4. wsu is full of jocks adn bimbos.

5. i miss nikki.

6. micah is very very far away.

i love sappy spanish music!

so i did the best thing ever- and downloaded a bunch of music, and i got tons of spanish music- like Sin Banderas, REIK, and RBD. its amazingly beautiful... ::sigh:::

ive been sarah the crazy romantic the past few days.

Vuelve quiero sentirme en tus brazos Quiero besarte los labios Por siempre quedarme a tu lado Vuelve sabes que tu me haces falta La espera es cruel y lastima

Vuelve llena de amor mi vida

i. hate.

job hunting.

yay for people who make promises then go back on them.

applications here i come.

xosss

im having a hankering to do something creative...

i miss when i'd block out a whole hour or two to paint something, or when i sat down to write and wrote for hours on end...

i miss when i felt like i had the time to do that, and that was the only way i wanted to spend my time.

i feel like ive been going and going so much and so fast that the time to relax has gotten completley shoved aside and ive almost forgotten how to rest. how to let the stuff that just builds and builds out and all those crazy sarah thoughts that never get out and told to anybody come out in their own way.

i miss myself four years ago. sometimes i think back on the innocence that you can only have once in your life, and wonder when exactly i lost it. and i miss the passion and the way things were so easy, and it was so easy to believe everything that i had grown up with, and to ignore the realites that came later. the realites that seemed to take everything away and made me doubt it all. and when the doubt came, thats when i lost it. because i went from simply faith and belief to ::i have to see it, let me feel it, then ill trust you::

and maybe a certain amount of it is ::normal:: and ::part of growing up:: but that doesnt satisfy. it doesnt answer my questions and my whys. it doesnt give me peace to know that im just another stat about the ill effects of society on youth.

the more i look into myself, the more i realize ive needed this time to be alone. too bad im super scared to go any deeper into my own heart. the deeper i go, the more i realize that there a lot of hard things that i will haev to deal with and theres so many things i want to change.

sometimes i get so tired of doing things on my own strength. (yes- i should know the answer is obvious....) but i want to go to sleep and wake up changed. wake up and have all my battles fought, and all my issues packaged neatly away how they should be.

but its a long and challenging process. and frankly, im scared shitless to even start. im so scared of failing, or fucking myself up more. or im scared that ill make this promise to change, but the first time it gets challenged, ill run away and go back on myself and god and everyone who i told that i was gonna change.

but id rather choose this than live in a bubble where life is easy and i can conviently ignore my issues, by pretending its all ok. cuz its really not.

but im gonna make it. and tommorrow is another day to start over and take the small steps that add to a big change.

cold feet.

So is it possible to get cold feet about something other than your wedding night?

hmmm.. cuz i think i have them.

So today i was driving and thinking about all the stress that has come into my life since i decided to go to school. and the crazy question popped into my head....

am i really doing this for me?

or am i doing it to prove soemthing, or cuz the rents want me to or the rest of the family? or am i doing this cuz its ::just what i should do::

i hate those little rebellious thoughts that like to make me change my plans right before i do something big. its my chronic problem. to eff everything up right before something big happens.

wow- the more i take an objective look at myself the more i realize i am a complete disaster. not to the point of unfixable because nobody is that far gone, d i am working on it. but im definitely far FAR from perfect. and i hate processes, and transistion, and waiting for things to happen. i feel like the last few weeks have been me simply holding on and watching my life play itself out. and its not over yet. one day at a time, one day at a time.... dont forget to breathe.

anyways, im back in my little pullman house adn the wind is blowing like crazy, my boyfriend is at work in hawaii, and everyone else is probably busy, and so i have tons of time to think.

just like nikki and my mom said i should take advantage of...

so i am taking advantage of it. yuuppp.. i should clean or something, but i just dont want to....
xosss