the life lessons of this weekend...

Funny how one weekend can totally change the way you see so many things....

I have decided that its time to get out of here. No, not in a run away sort of way, but in the sense that it is the time for me to start MY life and leave behind the things that hold me back.

But one of the hardest things is that it feels like a lot of people dont understand. I thought it was hilarious (in a cynical, sad sort of way) that some people would suggest that i go back and talk to ::him:: at the church. And its sad, because they obviously dont see it. And its reasonable that they dont. they havent been there long enough. But its so hard to be sitting on the sidelines and seeing people chose to be blind (not to say that this person is choosing that, but many people are...)

I've spent so much time in my life looking back adn dealing with the past. And i know its not over, but i really feel like god is saying ::move on. Nows not the time to look back::: and the only way to move on is to get out of this place that holds so many memories, so many realtionships that can no longer be, so many hurts.... And i dont want to leave behind the good stuff, but it so funny... the good stuff never leaves you, even when you are miles away. And so often we CHOOSE to bring the bad shhhtttuuufff along, rather than simply putting it down and walking away.

And yes, before i completely walk away, i will find myself telling someone exactly how i feel. but nows not the time.... because, as i told my friend the other day, and she told someone else, God has grace for my process and thats what i am living under...

and when you foocus on the process and the grace HE gives, theres a freedom. I was able to go to a church yesterday, because i was ready, so i didnt feel any condemnation or feel forced, because i was ready.

But when it becaomes :::you HAVE TO go to church because GOD SAYS!::: it becomes merely legalism and people are turned into Objects and Projects to be conquered and won over from ::THE DARK SIDE:: rather than living souls with pain that binds them and holds them captive.

Here is My song for this phase...

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words

And sing out loud

Cuz everyone is forgiven now

Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

So much on the mind, its taken a while to get back here...

Well, its weird so many things that have happened in the last few days. im I'm still processing it all....

But its crazy everything that God has been speaking to me about. Last night i got together with Nikki and we had a very intense discussion about Church- THE church. And i left the conversation with mixed feelings. First of all, i felt this huge feeling of desperation and helplessness. You know in the movies, wehre the heroine is standing there, held by chains or people, and in slow motion you see her true love be beaten or killed, and shes just screaming, but can't move. thats how i feel. I see all these people who are simply caught in the trap, who don't see it, and im watching them be destroyed physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And i see taht the opening starts in their own hearts. their own need for ::A Ministry:: their need for acceptance and position, their fear of not having a platform to share their thoughts. A fear of rejection...

and it breaks my heart. Not that i think im better, or to say that i dont feel those same feelings, cuz i do. And im constatntly struggling with them....

And all i can think to do is love. to try and bless in the midst of all the cursing, and to speak life in the death. As we began to pray about this, god spoke to me and was like :::sarah, pray for light to overcome, pray against the bad, but in the sense that the GOOD would overcome.:::

and its so interesting, because so many times, we fight against the bad, we wage war on the demons and we rebuke the enemy. How many times do we simply be the people who usher in the presence of God? Do we lead the battle with praise or simply come out of the gate fighting and 10 minutes into it fall down exhausted and depressed... Would our prayers change if we danced before the throne of God and praised Him for the light and restoration that is in his heart regardless of if we see it or not?

Interesting thoughts...

funny thing. in the middle of the night, i had a nightmare adn satan attacked me hardcore with fear. Honestly, i was scared shitless. But then god reminded me that the battle is not mine and all i need to do is simply ask him to fight it for me, then rest in His peace. rest in faith, knowing he will protect me. And i did, i said, Father, you are stronger than this, and you are with me and will protect me. and then i rolled over nd fell asleep in like 5 minutes, after being scared for like half hour. Crazy how big our god is, huh?

OH! and then last night, i was thinking about soemthing, and was like::: god, i need confirmation...::: and at work i had like two random conversations with people totally confirming and encouraging me in the decision i felt to take.... more to come on that later....

anyways, god is amazing. thats all there is to it.

so im not as adjusted as i thought....

Estoy llorando. Tu sabes cuando tienes algo en tu corazon que es como tu vida? Un sentimento, un pensamiento. Y es la cosa que es mas importante en tu vida. Cada dia tu pensas en esso.

extrano argentina.

extrano mis amigos MUCHISSIMO. beto, pato, nico, rene.

extrano hablando en castellano.

DIOS! quiero volver YA!

y cada ves, dios me habla

ESPERATE!

::Te moviste a mi vieja anoche?::

SO i went to church with my friend the other day and realized something...

I have lived here way too long.

i cant wait to get out of this place and go somewhere else. i half feel that in a few years ill find myself in Idaho, closer to my family, with my horse and my job.

The closer i get to starting school, the more excited i am. And the more i think about leaving to go to college the more excited i am.

to go away and forget everything here- the drama, the crap, the memories, some of the people.

all of it. Im dying for a chance to start over. but i know it will come soon enough.

so the other day i went and got a quote for my next tatoo... and am planning to schedule an appointment to touch my old one up. and i thought about getting an industrial cuz i really want one, but im going to wait... anyways, im sooo stoked to get my second tatoo. and just a warning...

ill probably do it really spurr of the moment, so dont be mad at me cuz im warning you...

Seeing people from the past...

You know you've lived in Tacoma too long when you go to a random church and find the guy you hated in 6th grade, and you find that people know of YOU and you dont know them....

im in a blah. but i have a lot on my mind, but im in a blah...

more to come later, i guess....

xosss

Argentina- ASAP!

Ok, so im letting this out...

argentina- christmas break or next summer

im going if anyone wants to join me...


im going to make myself matte right now...

True confessions from a broken heart.

I dont know where to start. And let me start all this, cuz i really have no idea whats going to come out, but i need to get this out, I dont want anyone to think this is directed at them, cuz its not. its simply me facing the monster in my own heart. More like wounded tiger in a cage...

who am i?

honestly... its like god is showing me all this stuff and saying ::I created you like this...::: WHY!? i hate that i sometimes shut my self down and the only way i open up is after someone prys me open. But not very many people take the time to. And you know what? its not their loss. its mine because nobody knows me. People must see me as this moody bitch who is either crazy and funny or silent. And i justify it in my mind with ::well, i have nothing to say.::: or :::its just not something im apart of so i cant talk::: or :::that doesnt pertain to what everyone else is saying::::

It hurts so much that i feel like people only see the outside of me, simply because i dont let them in. And you know what? to push the pain of being unheard down, i push people away.

like i want to do now.

I am so disconnected from everything. I work, sleep, and chill with like a few people. I am scared shitless to get involved anywhere, scared to try and share myself with anyone and im so scared to get any closer to anyone. Because im afraid they wont care or dont want to know me. or that i will get hurt again. i basically feel like i dont trust anyone.

why am i like this? Why am i doing this?!

and i feel so helpless to stop it. I cant do it alone. But i dont know where gods at in all this cuz hes not answering. And the people who know me best, well, their moving adn the rest are on the other side of the world. And i have nikki, but i dont want to be one of those cligny needy friends. Funny, cuz im totally broken up, but i am so stubborn and independent ill die before i tell someone i need help.

No, i just take it all and do something crazy simply for an outlet. Find a guy. drink something. buy a pack of cigarettes. do something stupid that i regret. Dwell in sarcasm, competion, and independence.


i feel like im slowly suffocating, color gone, thrill gone. I am the type of person that goes crazy without change and im dying to be living something. Its like when im in one experience i think about the one before, and im always looking forward to whats next but never resting. never saying :::god, take me as i am. here. now.:::: I've always got to be better, got to push myself harder cuz im not perfect yet.

But i know this isnt who i have to be. This isnt who i am. I know that. Im not sarcastic, im not shallow, im not immature, i dont have a hard heart to people. I truly do care and truly want to be around people and i love to be with people, and yet be alone to think and process. i am capable of having deep conversations that uplift people and challenge me.

but at this moment, its lost in the stuff im using to cover something deeper.

I rarely go on PMS ramages, but i needed one today...

i hate cramps.
i hate weddings and thinking about weddings.
i hate waiting for stuff.
i hate working when its nice outside.
i hate feeling like im disattached from everyone.
i hate feeling lonely.
i hate being busy.
i hate being bored.
i hate the fact time doesnt stop when you want.
i hate that time goes too slow sometimes.
i hate promoting for work.
i hate when you sleep that amount thats too much, but not quite enough.
i hate having bandaids stuck to me.
i hate that its 2 30 and i have to go back to work.
i hate thinking about people, but not knowing how you feel about them.
I HATE DRAMA.
i hate stupid people who cant drive.
notice it all started with hating cramps....

OKAY!!!! good things- chocolate, sleep, beaches, music, pretty eyes and a good makeup day, nice dreams, my sisters, thursdays payday, cheese, cold water, matte, and that I GET TO WORK AT NORTHEND.

ok, so at least i tried to end on a happy note.

i still hate cramps. NIKKI i need your drugs! lol

I really should make my blog thing cooler, since i use it all the time...

My weekend was GREAT, AMAZING and THE BEST!

So where do i start... Friday night, i got home from work a little grumpy and really tired, but i called nikki and she came over. We had a crazy car ride out to her house singing ::;riding dirty::: like super white. Then we watched the diary of Bridget Jones. Umm. HILARIOUS MOVIE! So the night ended good.

then saturday, i got the first pedicure of my life... yah it was weird. but my toes are pretty, YAY! and my aunt came over and we had sooo much fun, it was so nice to just be with my family again. its been so long since we've all just hung out. One thing- i did drink more than i think i ever have, so lets say i slept really good!

then i went to nikkis Sunday morning and we drove to aberdeen and saw the Go camp performance, which was so fun. it was also really good cuz i got to touch base with a few people i havent seen in a while and i really needed that to remind me that even tho im not at pscc anymore doesnt mean all my relationships from there are dead.

then we went to the beach. and that was awesome cuz me and nikki found our favorite beach (its on ocean avenue!! lol...) but it was not happy the whole time because i had a lot of stuff i had to process and deal with. God always speaks to me when i go to the beach... and i think the heardest part was remebering a promise someone had made to me that they would take me to the beach and never forget me, but in the end- they did and it broke my heart. And it was hard, yet fulfilling to have god clean the hurt a little deeper and i know i needed it. And then i was feeling depressed and stuff and god totally reminded me of something he always remenids me when i go to the beach. Its so weird how close i feel to god when im at the beach, and it reminds me of a momet in time when i was little. And those memories are probab;y memories that i cherish closer than anything in my heart- my memories of my birth dad. it hits my heart just to think about it....

anways, the beach was good. and it was a beautiful day. it was just what i needed...

then we went to the wolberts and hung out there. i miss them so much. so many memories and fun times in that house... it was a good ending to a good day.

anways, i just decided that i really am tired of writing right now. so bye.

Today at the Ranch...

im almost at a loss for words... it was a crazy day of memories, news from people, and fun crazy horse stuff. plus realizing a few things about myself...

first of all, i heard a lot of stuff about whats happened in the last year that both florred me and broke my heart adn yet gave me so much hope that God can and does change things in people and uses our worst nightmares and changes them for good and strengthens us.

and also seeing my boss was so awesome, hes changed so much in teh last year and it was awesome to see him and for once, the look of pain and hurt was gone. and while i know things arent perfect, i know that hes trying and i really believe that theres freedom in teh journey, whether or not youve completely made it to the final destination.

and also i realized that god has created me to be a person who i never quite saw myself in before... one of those light bulb moments that make you say :::OOOHHH!!!! THATS why i do that!!::: and not in a bad way at all. i realized god has created me to be a very strong leader and im a very strong person, but i realized my gifts are that of an encourager and a supporter. i dont want the spotlight 24 7 and i dont need it. God has called me to be the person who sees the stregths in OTHERs and call those out adn encourage them to be who THEY are created to be. i realize that im called to be a listener and a in some ways an anchor and balance for the people god brings to me. i realized that god has brought so many people into my life and tho at times i feel overshadowed and sometimes feel unheard, but im the person that god uses to hold them steady (not in a bragging way at all!!) and the person that says ::settle down its not that big of a deal, let it go....::: basically the Doolah in my friends life that reminds them to breathe when things are intense and they forget.

its weird, but im realizing more and more, that i am soo laid back and so happy go lucky sometimes. and i remeber being younger and it would drive me nuts that i wasnt ::the best::: or that i wasnt the super popular girl that was upfront and i didnt know the most about anything, but know i see that its how i was created, and thats who i need to embrace. and i love that about me. Now that i see it.

anyways, right now im in a big ::sarah discovery:: journey.... im a lot deeper than i ever thought i was...

Birthday and a chance for a new start...

So quick rundown on the party festivites- AMAZING. i really had a good time, which rocked.

But what i wanted to write about, simply cuz im feeling the desire to express myself at 11 30pm, is my goals for this next year. Its weird, but its a night that i come out and my creative deep side shines through, that Sarah the Introvert.... hmmm.. so your welcome to come along for the ride, if you choose....

Some people use January 1st to set their ::resolutions::: but for me that happens on my birthday... so heres some of my resolutions and goals... some are shallow and unimportant, adn some are deep and personal,,,

1. i want to get my hair to its natural color (dirty bond, by the way...) and become more ::me:: as in less makeup, natural hair color, wear whatever i want to regardless of anything... God did so much in bringing out who i really am in this past year and i want to continue to embrace that. I have so much to learn about myself still, tho. i ldiscovered that i do have this other part of me, not as in two faced, but just another layer that is the quiet, observantm, and discerning me that doesnt be crazy all the time but is the part that holds the essance of me- my beliefs and why, the things that hurt me, the things that im thinking about that want to get out some how... but shes much different then the person i sometimes am so balance is the key here....

2. Be healthier. i know- number one on everyones list, but its getting more and more important for me as i see what lack of exercise, lack of healthy eating, and a sedendary lifestyle does to people- Thank you, curves and all its large ladies.... I want to be old someday and not obese with 50 million health problems that i could prevent now.... SO- more exercise, less junk food, more veggies and healthy things.

3. Begin school for nursing. Obvio! I want to be constantly working to get closer to my goals for the future and life. So therefore, START SCHOOL to have a job to afford the travelling....

4. Learn to manage my money well, and save it! i have blown soooo much money, that looking back, could have been used for so much else. I want to be the kind of person who is not in debt, who can give and be generous without becoming broke. I love when i can buy someone lunch, or can get a random girf for someone, but i need to learn to manage everything well so that i dont end up completely broke when i do. plus i want to have enough money by the end of the summer adn by the end of 06 for a plane ticket to AR and to start on paying off a car so when i need ot buy one, im not chained down for ages to a peice of metal.

5. No retarded relationships. end of story. thats relatively self explanatory. I know what i want to do with my life and i have avague idea of the type of person i want to be with. i do not want to let my standards down for an instant and end up with *another* name on the list. and in the whole relationship thing there have been a few thoughts that have popped up (hey, im a girl and so i think about these things a lot....) 1. I am not going to be the one who starts it all and who holds on. not to say i wont fight for it, but in a right way. in the past, to hold on to the relationship meant to be physical, but i dont want that anymore. 2. I will never ::pull a kelsey:: on anybody. Ever. in teh stories its not the girl saving the guy or sweeping the guy off his feet, and theres a reason for that. When the time is right, who ever it is will come to me. 3. i dont want a big long drawn out thing- as in we stay in the whole ::i think i love her, but i dont know, are we good together? blah blah:: you know, the whole first stage of dating that some people stay in FOREVER. No, yah, take the time to get to know each other totally, but then take time apart to really think and pray if you can be committed to the person forever. Because i personally dont think you have to date for like 3 years to know if your gonna love that person, cuz i totally believe love is a choice more than a feeling. oh and 4. no wedding before im finished with school. relationship, possibly, if god opens the doors but honeymoon and wedding- no.

6. Deal with The Issue and find a church. this may not take me a year, but i have some letters i need to write, some meetings i need to schedule and some people i need to talk to. its a process. and god is having so much grace with me. i feel at so much peace to simply walk in the moments that come and let god be the complete director of it all. true i cant be lazy and simply avoid it forever, but god has a merciful way with me and thats that he always gives me the thought or the conviction, then gives me time for my heart to change and accept the new thing hes bringing. thank you god for that, cuz otherwise i have no idea if i would even be starting nursing school in teh fall. plus i know that i need to get into more fellowship and around more people who believe what i do.

7. Get better at my job and stop doing such a half ass job at so many things. i realized that i have b.s.-ed my way thro so much of life- school, relationships, parents, etc. adn im really tired of that old habit. im ready to be done with it and do things the best i can. So this applies to my job. learn more about fitness and health so i can be more available to the ladies and more knowlegable. (hence make more $$$$ too...)

8. Work on the cussing thing..... its again a process and an old habit that dies hard. but im going to work on it.

9. if god leads me, begin writing a book... thats more of a life goal, but im open to start it when god says its time...

and i guess the final one is to continue to grow and change in the other areas god opens up and shows me....

so thats just a look into sarah. theres a lot more to me than one might get on first glance. and i have a lot of things on my heart that you might not have known...

A sacred moment....

This song makes me cry adn i just really wanna share it...

por un momento de tu precensia, for a moment in your presence
por un instante de tu amor, for an instant of your love
por un destello de tu gloria, for a flash of your glory
por un minuto nada mas, for a minute, nothing more

todo daria, ill give everything
no importaria, it doesnt matter
Lo que tengo que pasar, whatever i have to go through
lo que tengo que esperar, how long i have to wait

Tengo hambre de ti, Im hungry for you
de tu presencia, de tu fragrancia, de tu poder, for your presence, your fragrance, your power
Tengo hambre que duele, Im so hungry it hurts
Que debilita, it makes me unable to do anything
que desepera, so deperate
por ti....for you...

Its so weird, but god spoke to me so much through this song during my school, and it has become the theme for that phase of my life, and this one too... Im so hungry for just one taste of his presence, its all i need. No matter what. Its crazy how that one instant changes everything. Its like i gave everything, i left it all, just because i heard the soft call of his voice. a hunger that went so deep that it left me broken. And in argentina, god changed me so much. I never want to lose the passion of being desperate...

its also how crazy it is when you know a second language. god speaks to me so much through spanish, its crazy. its like the spanish by passes my brain and hits something even deeper in me. maybe its because it takes my control away... i love it...

theres so much more to say, but it feels weird to write it in words....
xosss

ps- its the song on my myspace profile if you wanna hear it...

Pictures for fun...

They are in a random sort of order...

My eyes really are this blue...


And this is my cool hair.. IT GOES IN A PONY TAIL NOW!!!

This is how nacho looked half the night while driving... Btw- nacho has super nacho powers!
And this is my beautiful Havaiana... i love it...

Why am i such a biatch sometimes?!

So i know its over and alls well now, but last night i remembered something about myself that i wish i could just forget and NOT do anymore.

So i had a really good day (minus the over girl-ness that is why i dont have a lot of girly friends....) hanging out with all these people out on vashon. Nacho taught me how to throw a football! yay- im basicalyl the collest EVER! joking. and i got to talk to the dupee brothers which was fun... so overall it was great. Oh, and adventures in a big van that was almost outta gas!!!!

but then we were driving home adn i mentioned something about wanting to go home and nikki was like :::no, im not letting you drive. just stay here with me:: adn matt was like ::;yah, you shouldnt drive, youre too tired and theres a bunch 'o' drunks on teh roads:: blah blah.. Basically everyone was like ::dont drive home!:::

and the little Sarah that cant handle peoplebossing her around and who thinks she doesnt need anyone showed up. So when we got to nikkins i was like ::im going home::: and nikki tried to stop me and stuff, but i wouldnt listen, so the night ended with a ::FINE!:: (+door slam) with nikki and a :::IF I DIED TONIGHT THATS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO ME! ::: (+shut the eff up- under my breath)

but no sooner had i gotten in the car, then i was like :::what if i died, this is so stupid that im doing this. Im such a bad friend!!!::::

but my stupid pride kept me from going inside adn staying adn apologizing for my bitchy out burst


So i had an uneventful drive home, basically beating my self over the head for being dumb, and realizing that if i did die, my best friend would think i hated her and itd all end on a big Sikki and Narah fight.

It :::suxed to be me right then::::

So i got home and apologized to nikki.

long story short:

Im stubborn.

Im proud.

And i have a hardcore independent streak in me that is a constant battle for me to fight. and here i was thinking i had nothing to work on and was doing all super good....

HA

so to all my friends, thanks for loving me through it all. and its a process that i am going to have to fight, because i dont want to be stubborn and prideful.

and i know that i need all of you, cuz i truly cant live this life on my own...

and in spanish, cuz for some reason spanish is what god uses to speak to me the most, cuz it bypasses my mind and goes straight to my heart,

No puedeo vivir sin Vos!

y una cosa mas...

mi manana no va ser equal! porque voy a cambiar un poco mas cada dia!

(translation, cuz im all about the translation: I cant live with out You, adn one more thing, Tomorrow isnt going to be the same cuz im going to change a little more each day!)